Body

I focus on my body too much. Well, not as in I’m a fitness freak, I’m not. I wish I were, but anyway, little aches and pains to me become big explosions within my body to me. Then I get to thinking, “Why do I have them?” And the funny thing about the mind is that a little knowledge about medicine (mostly learned through reading books on the subject) can create all sorts of wild thoughts. Some highlights:

“Oh, my arm feels numb and tingly, must be a heart attack. I’m going to die any moment.”

“I have a really bad headache so I must have a tumor. Or worse, maybe I’m having a stroke.”

“My foot’s tingle, my stomach aches, I feel some pressure in my chest, and my arm’s numb. I’m dying. It’s going to happen. Oh fuck oh fuck.”

Generally these sorts of thoughts are not productive and I see that now, but my boredom kept me thinking that way and a little bit of, “Why is this happening to me?” If I were thinking rationally about these thoughts I could see which each of them were and I wouldn’t have any panic attacks. See, I’m dominantly left handed because I was born with my umbilical cord wrapped around my neck which seems to have caused a ’stroke-like’ affect on my right arm. I can hardly use it for normal things. So, everything I do involves my left hand. Use a mouse it’s my left hand, catch a baseball and it’s my left hand, pick something up and that involves my left hand. This causes a lot of pain and damage over time, apparently.

The other things like the pressure in my chest is mainly from the acid reflux and I get tension headaches frequently most likely from looking at the computer too much. All of these things are very logically explained and if I took a second to think about it I could calm myself. But panic and anxiety rarely work that way. At least with me. In the moment these thoughts are disorganized and then they crystalize into something life-threatening which causes more panic. It’s a certainty that has no real basis for it. I’m seeing all of this now and you might call it stupid that I haven’t seen it sooner, but I think unless you’ve actually been through it then you’ll never really no how you’d react. I’ve tried rationally working things out before and no real luck sometimes.

Anyway, I think I’ve got some positive momentum right now with regards to this particular anxiety and am slowly building up steam now. I haven’t been focusing on my body as much and it’s helping a great deal to keep me from panicking. Time will tell on this, but I think I’m making more progress now than I made even a year ago.

Fading…

I feel like I’m dead and I just don’t know it. No, not in a gothic  kind of way. More like…I can feel bits of my life gradually fading and I’m struggling against it and I don’t know how to fix it. Does that make sense? It seems like the more I’ve dropped out of my life the more I’ve lost parts of myself that I felt genuinely were ‘me’. I haven’t designed anything in weeks and I have no ideas lately. Even half-bad ones I’m lacking. And driving…forget that, I haven’t been in my car in weeks–months maybe. I’ve ceased being ’special’ and now I’m just…existing. And I’d change all of this except I don’t know how.

I don’t know which side I want to ‘fix’ first and I’m trying to do it all and losing it. I just haven’t felt it. I…am a corpse, with a few synapses firing, apparently. And I need to stop it. I want to stop it. I must stop it. Fuck, how do people get past this stuff? How do they get past anxiety to be much more…complete? I don’t feel depressed anymore. Is that it? Was I more…’me’ when I was depressed? Am I just lazy? I have too many questions and not enough answers. Supposedly that makes me wise on some level. Well, fuck that. I don’t want to be wise. I just want to be me again.

Adventures In Weed

I say I don’t have a very interesting life and I think I’m correct in that assessment, but I’ve been known to do some shady things. Full disclosure: I’ve only attempted to smoke weed three times in my entire life. After the third time I’ve vowed never to try it again. Mainly because of what happened during the third time.

A year or so ago I was going through some serious anxiety and I was looking for ways to calm down and I was chatting with my friend and he was like, “You know what calms me down? Weed.” So, I thought it over and I was willing to try anything at that point and I said, “Sure.” I went to my friend’s house and then we went and hung out with his sister and her boyfriend and lit up. Okay, fine. So we’re smoking the weed through these handmade cigar-type things and we’re all sharing it. Big mistake for me as I was going through a germaphobe phase at that point.

As we all were smoking it I kept getting even more anxious than before. Since then I’ve vowed never to attempt to smoke weed again. I really don’t mean this to sound disparaging of my friend; it’s not, I actually did have a good time barring the smoking weed bit. I just couldn’t handle sharing anything at the time without going, “Oh fuck, what if I catch something?!” On a whole, not the brightest move I’ve ever made on my own, but nothing ended up happening to me.

Relationships

You know, as much as I’ve wanted one I think I’m coming to the conclusion that no–I don’t want one. Or at least that I’d be terrible in one so it’s not worth trying anymore. What brought this up was a text message from a ‘friend’ whom I deleted because she went all lovey dovey in her relationship and ignored me for the relationship. I have no problem with this in theory. Just…at least show some signs of life every now and then. I haven’t spoken to this friend in months so I deleted her name in my cell and blah blah blah fuck all else.

And then I’ve got other friends whose relationships are pieces of work as well and I begin to think to myself, “Why would I want that?” Really, why would I want something where you can easily backstab/cheat/ignore the world around you? I mean, hell, one day the person just may not have feelings for you anymore. What’s the appeal? Really. Sell me on this concept of backstabbing douchebaggery, because I’m having a really hard time wanting one now.

Yes, it’s taken me this long to figure it out, because I’m a hopeful sort and generally believe that things could work out for the best and I won’t be ‘one of them.’ But I fear that I would be. I like my space, I don’t believe in burying myself up to my neck in a relationship, and I hate the lying that a relationship involves.

I honestly think the years of talking to my friends and brother about their relationships have ruined the idea of a relationship for me. So thanks! Oh and let’s not forget the folks. They’ve been a stellar example as well. That’s not to say I’m angry at them, but it didn’t help.

So, my friends, take heart; your marriages/perfect relationships/engagements are fleeting.

Another Fine Example Of Cult Sensibilities

craaaaaaaaaazy Says:
November 4, 2008 at 1:49 pm edit

let me tell u someting.dont get stink bout jw’s cause i will literally find u an beat u down personally.wat there doin is tryin to save ur sorry asses an ur takin smack.get a life brethen
No, I don’t need saving. Sending threats online violates the law (especially if you’re a US citizen), you can’t spell or form a sentence properly, you do have the perfect name. And you belong to a cult. Have a nice day.

My Problem With Some Religions

Okay, this is a little bit of a rant. Anyway, today when I got home from the doctor’s office there were these two old/older ladies standing out near my car and the really older one looked in my car. I don’t mean just a glance. I mean she actively looked inside of my car. She also had the crazy eyes. So, that was kind of creepy. Then they wandered off never to be seen again. As we opened up the door to the house their nice little, “Would you like to know the truth?” pamphlet fell down. They were fucking Jehovah’s Witnesses!

Now, believe what you want, but for fuck’s sake do not bother me with your propaganda and do not look in my fucking car. I dunno, that just bothered me on so many levels. Also, don’t approach me at the gas station and hand me a copy of the Watchtower. Yes, this actually happened to me when I was at the Enroy on Pulaski highway and this fucking guy came up to me and gave me a copy. Maybe they smell Atheist?

So, yeah, no proselytizing to me like that. It will not get me to join your cu–I mean, ‘religion’ (sorry, JW’s strike me as crazy). it will annoy me. Maybe I should just hang a pentagram on my door. Or would they take that as a sign that I need to be ’saved’? Anyone got any thoughts on that?

Hiding Out

I feel I’m hiding out and I’m not sure why. Maybe it’s the gastritis that’s making me feel like utter crap the more if acts up. To be sure, it is going away, but very slowly. And I don’t think my attitude on the matter is helping things. I’m actually starting to resent people who aren’t feeling this pain. I feel like I was robbed. Robbed of something, my dignity perhaps? My sanity? Something and I’m not sure why I feel this way, just that I do feel this way and I hate every damned moment of it.

Yes, things were getting better and then I mucked it again and now I feel like crap again. So, a cycle and I cannot break it. Well, I can, but it’s just…too hard. Maybe I’m afraid of failure, but whatever the case may be I just can’t seem to stay focused. I stay inside way too much for various reasons and I’m not sure if the reasons are real or fabricated. Not fabricated in the, “I’m making shit up,” kind of way, but that I’m using them as excuses to do nothing. The thought has occurred to me.

I’ll start feeling better then some ache or pain will snatch that feeling away and I’ll be left alone again to wallow in my own misery. I don’t know how to keep this from happening. Like right now my head feels stuffy and I’m thinking all sorts of bad reasons for it. Mostly fatal stuff. I really don’t know where I get this from and I try blocking it out but the more I fight the worse it gets until it leaves me a broken shell of someone who–for all intents and purposes–is healthy, but thinks that he isn’t. Does that seem strange?

I’m going to try physical activity tomorrow and see if maybe it’s my metabolism telling me to wake the hell up. It probably is, because the more I lay about the worse I feel and the worse I feel the more anxious I feel, rinse and repeat, really. I guess I’ll go now. I need to sleep, but I probably won’t do that for another 45 minutes.

Fast Thoughts

I’ve come to the conclusion that if I’m ever feeling the need to share my knowledge with anyone that I need to write it down in a 500 page manual detailing every bit that could go wrong or will go wrong, or what to do. I can’t take it when people move…sooo…..slllllooooowwww….I have an infinite patience when it comes to a lot of things, but detailing something for a friend or relative drives me daffy.

You could say that I’m just being an ass and that ‘not everyone picks things up as easily’ and you might be right. But that still doesn’t change the fact that when I try to explain technical stuff to people that when they go slow, I can feel myself aging. Really.

My mind usually has fifty other things rolling around in it and adding one more fills it to capacity so that it’s no longer a loony bin with some order; instead it turns into a monkey exhibit with the monkeys rubbing shit all over the walls. It’s just annoying.

I’d love to be able to help people, but when they go slow it just drags my thought process down and I snap. I should probably get that looked at. It’s also probably why I have so much anxiety about everything. And if I’m not anxious about it yet, I soon will be. Where was I? Oh yes, too many thoughts going on. It keeps me up at night as well. Not all nights, but when I have a really good idea or thought it’s been known to drag me into daylight hours.

So, I don’t know how many people who know me will read this, but if you do and if you ever need technical advice….don’t come to me. It’s just an exercise in frustration. Thank you.

Sooo….

my friend posted a bulletin to ‘Vote for Obama in 2008′ and ‘cleverly’ it was a just kidding. No, this was an anti-Obama message. Mainly about him not ‘thanking the troops’ in Afghanistan. Needless to say this thing really irked me even though I gave up supporting either candidate, because I believe if you’re going to vote for anybody you vote for them because you believe in them. But no, no, we should not vote for Obama because he didn’t ‘thank the troops’. Okay, first off: Thanking the troops is not mandatory. I don’t remember signing an oath where upon an American citizen needs to thank anyone from the military.

I have a friend over in Iraq now and have not felt the need to thank him once. And he’s never felt the need to remind me to thank him. Fair deal, I suppose, but I truly wonder when the military became such a bunch of pussies that they felt the need to remind everyone of their service, of the need to thank them, or anything of the like. Hey, I respect the job and the uniform, but I’m not going to go nuts thanking them for…invading a foreign nation. Great job guys, you secured my freedom by taking out two nations with barely a military. Woohoo! That’s like the bully in school asking you to thank him for beating up a geek.

Secondly: Even if I felt the need to thank the troops I would not do it over the invasion of Iraq or Afghanistan. Sorry, but I just don’t see how that’s praise worthy. You didn’t secure this nation any more than these absurd new laws secure us. No, what you did was create an illusion of taking action against an ‘enemy’ of the US. Nope. Not worthy of praise. Call me when we’re actually in danger of being invaded. And…if there’s anything left and I’m still alive, then I’ll thank you all for a job well done.

But yeah…where was I? Oh yes, the military carrying a huge chip on its shoulder. I know, it’s a thankless job and you risk your lives. Kudos! You’re braver than I am. However, if you expect me to believe what you’re actually doing constitutes ‘defending my freedom’ then you’re sorely mistaken. If you were defending my ‘freedom’ then you’d be back here taking on the politicians who are eroding our freedoms quicker than any terrorist organization can. Like so. Sooo…no thanks for you! Although I do appreciate the job you’re doing. Grow a thicker skin.

What have we learned? Vote for candidates based on their merits, not how much military ass they kiss. Or how many trips they make. And vote for “none of the above” in November.

P.S. I think it’s shameful how in love this nation is with its military. It’s almost Roman-esque.

The ‘message’ Subject: From one who is serving in Afghanistan

Hello everyone, As you know I am not a very political person. I just wanted to pass along that Senator Obama came to Bagram Afghanistan for about an hour on his visit to ‘The War Zone’. I wanted to share with you what happened. He got off the plane and got into a bullet proof vehicle, got to the area to meet with the Major General (2 Star) who is the commander here at Bagram.

As the Soldiers where lined up to shake his hand he blew them off and didn’t say a word as he went into the conference room to meet the General. As he finished, the vehicles took him to the ClamShell (pretty much a big top tent that military personnel can play basketball or work out in with weights) so he could take his publicity pictures playing basketball. He again shunned the opportunity to talk to Soldiers to thank them for their service.

So really he was just here to make a showing for the American’s back home that he is their candidate for President. I think that if you are going to make an effort to come all the way over here you would thank those that are providing the freedom that they are providing for you.

I swear we got more thanks from the NBA Basketball Players or the Dallas Cowboy Cheer leaders than from one of the Senators, who wants to be the President of the United States. I just don’t understand how anyone would want him to be our Commander-and-Chief. It was almost that he was scared to be around those that provide the freedom for him and our great country.

If this is blunt and to the point I am sorry but I wanted you all to know what kind of caliber of person he really is. What you see in the news is all fake.

In service, CPT Jeffrey S.

Porter
Battle Captain TF Wasatch American Soldier

Nightmare Passing complete

I never really elaborated on this. You all know what’s been happening with me and everything, but lately I’ve been feeling a lot better. More relaxed. Comfortable you could say. And my stomach’s been doing a lot better. Any way, I went to the doctor a couple of weeks ago (going on 3 woohoo!) and he checked out my heart and such and reassured me of everything. And it all clicked. It never had before, but that last time really solidified in my mind and I started thinking about the positives. I focused on that instead of the pain. And the pains went away.

At least mostly. I still feel them but they don’t freak me out as much. And then I went on a Dead Like Me binge and I thought about a line from that show about thinking about the stuff you like. I realized that that’s what had kept me going before. Not that tv shows are some untapped wisdom. But every now and then they give little truths about our lives. For me it was that.

Rube: You like spaghetti, George? I like spaghetti. I like board games. I like grabbing a trifecta with that longshot on top. That ozone smell you get from air purifiers. And I like knowing the space between my ears is immeasurable. Mahler’s first, Bernstein conducting. You’ve got to think about all the things you like and decide whether they’re worth sticking around for. And if they are, you’ll find a way to do this.
George: And what if I don’t?
Rube: Then you go away, and you don’t get to like anything anymore.

I lost my perspective, as it were. And I wasn’t focusing on things that I liked or that I liked about myself. When you begin to do that it starts to weigh you down. You feel like your body weighs 800lbs and you can barely move. Or at least that’s how it felt for me. I felt so drained. Everything wore me down. I realized that it was all from burnout. I didn’t come to this realization until the feelings of anxiety became fleeting to almost non-existent.

So, I’m giving myself time off to think and to rebuild myself mentally as I took quite a bit of a shock to the system this past year and things that I thought were solidified in my mind weren’t. I thought my psyche was stronger than it was, but it wasn’t. One thing set off a whole chain reaction that blew it apart. I think I need to build up a better defense for the next time something like this happens. Which I’m working on. I’d also like to thank the friends who stuck by me while I was going through this. Your help and your confidence in me was much appreciated.