Forgiveness And Acceptance

This occupies a lot of my thoughts and it always has, because I remember every fuck up and mistake and i keep berating myself for them. I wonder if it’ll ever end or get to a point where I let these things go. Recently I asked for forgiveness from someone and have yet to get a reply. So, I’m guessing that’s a ‘no’. And it really bugs me. All I wanted was my friend back or even some semblance of normalcy, but it’s not to be. And I’ll be 80 with a wispy grey beard and will still think about it.

Does anyone else besides me do this to themselves? I ask, because I feel kind of…stupid. Or having an inability to drop things. If you listen to my mother she would say that that’s true. But aren’t you supposed to retain things? That’s really all you are is a collection of memories and experiences and if you let every thing go then you’re essentially giving up on who you are as a person. You’re not…enjoying it. Or learning. You’re just there. A blank piece of paper.

So are you better served if you retain things–even bad memories–or are you just a loser hanging onto things? I feel both ways about this. In my darker moments I’d call myself a loser, but when it comes down to it I think I’m grateful for having experienced some of these things. But other times…I just dwell on them and wish things had been different.

Which brings me to the other theme that occupies my mind: acceptance. This is something I was never good at and I don’t think I ever will be. I could never accept myself for who I am. And I could never accept my talents or that anyone liked me or…anything. I could never just accept things or truisms about myself and I always strived to do things ‘right’ and ‘proper’ and if I didn’t I usually never saw it as worth doing. Make sense? Probably not. I think I care less about ‘right’ and ‘proper’ these days than I used to, but every now and then it’ll crop up again and I become stymied by it as it leads to indecision.

So I freeze and then it creates more regret and bad memories. Wow…what a shitty cycle. I really am curious as to if there’s anyone out there who acts like this. I ask for two reasons 1) it makes me feel less alone and if I’m not alone then it is possible to beat this and 2) if you have beaten this…thing, how’d you do it? I know everyone has their own little tricks but specifics would be nice as I’m kind of clueless about it. Be sure that this stuff doesn’t hinder my life; it just makes things more difficult when it comes time to act or not act.

Bill Maher…

I agree with 95% of his points, but this anti-swine flu vaccine nonsense is really souring me on my opinion of him. It started on Friday with his interview with Bill Frist (whom I have a small modicum of respect for now) where he made so many stupid claims about vaccines. Now I read his twitter page and he said, “If you get the swine flu vaccine ur an idiot,” now if this is true and these are his words then I really have to give up on even thinking he knows what he’s talking about. That and his PeTA membership.

I mean, sure, a bit of apprehension is understandable with any sort of vaccine or medical decision. That’s natural and to be expected, but going out and calling people idiots for wanting to protect themselves against a potentially fatal disease is just wrong. He’s beginning to sound just as bad as the religious people that he rails against. What’s the difference between saying, “You’re an idiot if you don’t believe in God,” and, “You’re an idiot if you get the swine flu vaccine?” They’re both on the same level of taking a leap of faith.

Granted you could say that about the vaccine, but in that case the vaccine is based on years of research and science. Maher’s statement and God? Not so much. So, he’s essentially using his own faith to make a definitive statement he barely has cursory knowledge about. This also brings up what I don’t like about left-wing politics. We, and I say ‘we’ because I am left-wing and very liberal, hold ourselves up as paragons of knowledge and mocking these stupid fucks in the south for being stupid fucks. But then statements like Maher’s and HuffPo’s come out that are very anti-intellectual and they still act smug.

Dumb fucks. You have to believe that medical scientists know what they’re talking about. Or at least trust that they know what they’re doing most of the time, because that’s the fundamental basis of medicine. You have to trust that your doctor knows what they’re doing. And if you don’t then switch doctors (if you can).  If you think there may be a problem then ask questions. Be as thorough as you like. And don’t criticize people for doing something you personally disagree with. Or at least until they get in your face about it.

My Imagination Sucks

I don’t know how many of you reading this have ever tried to write a story or anything, but let me explain my process to you: I get an idea, I play it out in my head, then I write some of it out, and then I lose my concentration on the story and move to another. Any of you ever do that? It’s annoying in the extreme. I have some interesting ideas, but they run like a fucking reel to reel in my head and when the scene or ‘movie’ is over I tend not to write it.

I think it may be a form of ADD, but I don’t have that problem with anything else…er…scratch that…mathematics I do that with…it’s math (or maths if you prefer) though! Who honestly has an in-depth desire to learn that whose profession has nothing to do with it? No one I know. Anyway, going off of that bit of a tangent; I really have some nice ideas I want to get out there, but I have trouble focusing all of them. And I don’t know what to do and if it’ll ever change. I feel like I’ve lost a piece of my creativity when I’m like this. I can do designs real well and focus on it and whatnot, but the writing…not so much these days.

Ah well, fuck it…I’m going back to trying to form a whole story.

Body

I focus on my body too much. Well, not as in I’m a fitness freak, I’m not. I wish I were, but anyway, little aches and pains to me become big explosions within my body to me. Then I get to thinking, “Why do I have them?” And the funny thing about the mind is that a little knowledge about medicine (mostly learned through reading books on the subject) can create all sorts of wild thoughts. Some highlights:

“Oh, my arm feels numb and tingly, must be a heart attack. I’m going to die any moment.”

“I have a really bad headache so I must have a tumor. Or worse, maybe I’m having a stroke.”

“My foot’s tingle, my stomach aches, I feel some pressure in my chest, and my arm’s numb. I’m dying. It’s going to happen. Oh fuck oh fuck.”

Generally these sorts of thoughts are not productive and I see that now, but my boredom kept me thinking that way and a little bit of, “Why is this happening to me?” If I were thinking rationally about these thoughts I could see which each of them were and I wouldn’t have any panic attacks. See, I’m dominantly left handed because I was born with my umbilical cord wrapped around my neck which seems to have caused a ’stroke-like’ affect on my right arm. I can hardly use it for normal things. So, everything I do involves my left hand. Use a mouse it’s my left hand, catch a baseball and it’s my left hand, pick something up and that involves my left hand. This causes a lot of pain and damage over time, apparently.

The other things like the pressure in my chest is mainly from the acid reflux and I get tension headaches frequently most likely from looking at the computer too much. All of these things are very logically explained and if I took a second to think about it I could calm myself. But panic and anxiety rarely work that way. At least with me. In the moment these thoughts are disorganized and then they crystalize into something life-threatening which causes more panic. It’s a certainty that has no real basis for it. I’m seeing all of this now and you might call it stupid that I haven’t seen it sooner, but I think unless you’ve actually been through it then you’ll never really no how you’d react. I’ve tried rationally working things out before and no real luck sometimes.

Anyway, I think I’ve got some positive momentum right now with regards to this particular anxiety and am slowly building up steam now. I haven’t been focusing on my body as much and it’s helping a great deal to keep me from panicking. Time will tell on this, but I think I’m making more progress now than I made even a year ago.

Fading…

I feel like I’m dead and I just don’t know it. No, not in a gothic  kind of way. More like…I can feel bits of my life gradually fading and I’m struggling against it and I don’t know how to fix it. Does that make sense? It seems like the more I’ve dropped out of my life the more I’ve lost parts of myself that I felt genuinely were ‘me’. I haven’t designed anything in weeks and I have no ideas lately. Even half-bad ones I’m lacking. And driving…forget that, I haven’t been in my car in weeks–months maybe. I’ve ceased being ’special’ and now I’m just…existing. And I’d change all of this except I don’t know how.

I don’t know which side I want to ‘fix’ first and I’m trying to do it all and losing it. I just haven’t felt it. I…am a corpse, with a few synapses firing, apparently. And I need to stop it. I want to stop it. I must stop it. Fuck, how do people get past this stuff? How do they get past anxiety to be much more…complete? I don’t feel depressed anymore. Is that it? Was I more…’me’ when I was depressed? Am I just lazy? I have too many questions and not enough answers. Supposedly that makes me wise on some level. Well, fuck that. I don’t want to be wise. I just want to be me again.

Adventures In Weed

I say I don’t have a very interesting life and I think I’m correct in that assessment, but I’ve been known to do some shady things. Full disclosure: I’ve only attempted to smoke weed three times in my entire life. After the third time I’ve vowed never to try it again. Mainly because of what happened during the third time.

A year or so ago I was going through some serious anxiety and I was looking for ways to calm down and I was chatting with my friend and he was like, “You know what calms me down? Weed.” So, I thought it over and I was willing to try anything at that point and I said, “Sure.” I went to my friend’s house and then we went and hung out with his sister and her boyfriend and lit up. Okay, fine. So we’re smoking the weed through these handmade cigar-type things and we’re all sharing it. Big mistake for me as I was going through a germaphobe phase at that point.

As we all were smoking it I kept getting even more anxious than before. Since then I’ve vowed never to attempt to smoke weed again. I really don’t mean this to sound disparaging of my friend; it’s not, I actually did have a good time barring the smoking weed bit. I just couldn’t handle sharing anything at the time without going, “Oh fuck, what if I catch something?!” On a whole, not the brightest move I’ve ever made on my own, but nothing ended up happening to me.

Relationships

You know, as much as I’ve wanted one I think I’m coming to the conclusion that no–I don’t want one. Or at least that I’d be terrible in one so it’s not worth trying anymore. What brought this up was a text message from a ‘friend’ whom I deleted because she went all lovey dovey in her relationship and ignored me for the relationship. I have no problem with this in theory. Just…at least show some signs of life every now and then. I haven’t spoken to this friend in months so I deleted her name in my cell and blah blah blah fuck all else.

And then I’ve got other friends whose relationships are pieces of work as well and I begin to think to myself, “Why would I want that?” Really, why would I want something where you can easily backstab/cheat/ignore the world around you? I mean, hell, one day the person just may not have feelings for you anymore. What’s the appeal? Really. Sell me on this concept of backstabbing douchebaggery, because I’m having a really hard time wanting one now.

Yes, it’s taken me this long to figure it out, because I’m a hopeful sort and generally believe that things could work out for the best and I won’t be ‘one of them.’ But I fear that I would be. I like my space, I don’t believe in burying myself up to my neck in a relationship, and I hate the lying that a relationship involves.

I honestly think the years of talking to my friends and brother about their relationships have ruined the idea of a relationship for me. So thanks! Oh and let’s not forget the folks. They’ve been a stellar example as well. That’s not to say I’m angry at them, but it didn’t help.

So, my friends, take heart; your marriages/perfect relationships/engagements are fleeting.

Another Fine Example Of Cult Sensibilities

craaaaaaaaaazy Says:
November 4, 2008 at 1:49 pm edit

let me tell u someting.dont get stink bout jw’s cause i will literally find u an beat u down personally.wat there doin is tryin to save ur sorry asses an ur takin smack.get a life brethen
No, I don’t need saving. Sending threats online violates the law (especially if you’re a US citizen), you can’t spell or form a sentence properly, you do have the perfect name. And you belong to a cult. Have a nice day.

My Problem With Some Religions

Okay, this is a little bit of a rant. Anyway, today when I got home from the doctor’s office there were these two old/older ladies standing out near my car and the really older one looked in my car. I don’t mean just a glance. I mean she actively looked inside of my car. She also had the crazy eyes. So, that was kind of creepy. Then they wandered off never to be seen again. As we opened up the door to the house their nice little, “Would you like to know the truth?” pamphlet fell down. They were fucking Jehovah’s Witnesses!

Now, believe what you want, but for fuck’s sake do not bother me with your propaganda and do not look in my fucking car. I dunno, that just bothered me on so many levels. Also, don’t approach me at the gas station and hand me a copy of the Watchtower. Yes, this actually happened to me when I was at the Enroy on Pulaski highway and this fucking guy came up to me and gave me a copy. Maybe they smell Atheist?

So, yeah, no proselytizing to me like that. It will not get me to join your cu–I mean, ‘religion’ (sorry, JW’s strike me as crazy). it will annoy me. Maybe I should just hang a pentagram on my door. Or would they take that as a sign that I need to be ’saved’? Anyone got any thoughts on that?

Hiding Out

I feel I’m hiding out and I’m not sure why. Maybe it’s the gastritis that’s making me feel like utter crap the more if acts up. To be sure, it is going away, but very slowly. And I don’t think my attitude on the matter is helping things. I’m actually starting to resent people who aren’t feeling this pain. I feel like I was robbed. Robbed of something, my dignity perhaps? My sanity? Something and I’m not sure why I feel this way, just that I do feel this way and I hate every damned moment of it.

Yes, things were getting better and then I mucked it again and now I feel like crap again. So, a cycle and I cannot break it. Well, I can, but it’s just…too hard. Maybe I’m afraid of failure, but whatever the case may be I just can’t seem to stay focused. I stay inside way too much for various reasons and I’m not sure if the reasons are real or fabricated. Not fabricated in the, “I’m making shit up,” kind of way, but that I’m using them as excuses to do nothing. The thought has occurred to me.

I’ll start feeling better then some ache or pain will snatch that feeling away and I’ll be left alone again to wallow in my own misery. I don’t know how to keep this from happening. Like right now my head feels stuffy and I’m thinking all sorts of bad reasons for it. Mostly fatal stuff. I really don’t know where I get this from and I try blocking it out but the more I fight the worse it gets until it leaves me a broken shell of someone who–for all intents and purposes–is healthy, but thinks that he isn’t. Does that seem strange?

I’m going to try physical activity tomorrow and see if maybe it’s my metabolism telling me to wake the hell up. It probably is, because the more I lay about the worse I feel and the worse I feel the more anxious I feel, rinse and repeat, really. I guess I’ll go now. I need to sleep, but I probably won’t do that for another 45 minutes.