Body

I focus on my body too much. Well, not as in I’m a fitness freak, I’m not. I wish I were, but anyway, little aches and pains to me become big explosions within my body to me. Then I get to thinking, “Why do I have them?” And the funny thing about the mind is that a little knowledge about medicine (mostly learned through reading books on the subject) can create all sorts of wild thoughts. Some highlights:

“Oh, my arm feels numb and tingly, must be a heart attack. I’m going to die any moment.”

“I have a really bad headache so I must have a tumor. Or worse, maybe I’m having a stroke.”

“My foot’s tingle, my stomach aches, I feel some pressure in my chest, and my arm’s numb. I’m dying. It’s going to happen. Oh fuck oh fuck.”

Generally these sorts of thoughts are not productive and I see that now, but my boredom kept me thinking that way and a little bit of, “Why is this happening to me?” If I were thinking rationally about these thoughts I could see which each of them were and I wouldn’t have any panic attacks. See, I’m dominantly left handed because I was born with my umbilical cord wrapped around my neck which seems to have caused a ’stroke-like’ affect on my right arm. I can hardly use it for normal things. So, everything I do involves my left hand. Use a mouse it’s my left hand, catch a baseball and it’s my left hand, pick something up and that involves my left hand. This causes a lot of pain and damage over time, apparently.

The other things like the pressure in my chest is mainly from the acid reflux and I get tension headaches frequently most likely from looking at the computer too much. All of these things are very logically explained and if I took a second to think about it I could calm myself. But panic and anxiety rarely work that way. At least with me. In the moment these thoughts are disorganized and then they crystalize into something life-threatening which causes more panic. It’s a certainty that has no real basis for it. I’m seeing all of this now and you might call it stupid that I haven’t seen it sooner, but I think unless you’ve actually been through it then you’ll never really no how you’d react. I’ve tried rationally working things out before and no real luck sometimes.

Anyway, I think I’ve got some positive momentum right now with regards to this particular anxiety and am slowly building up steam now. I haven’t been focusing on my body as much and it’s helping a great deal to keep me from panicking. Time will tell on this, but I think I’m making more progress now than I made even a year ago.