Forgiveness And Acceptance

This occupies a lot of my thoughts and it always has, because I remember every fuck up and mistake and i keep berating myself for them. I wonder if it’ll ever end or get to a point where I let these things go. Recently I asked for forgiveness from someone and have yet to get a reply. So, I’m guessing that’s a ‘no’. And it really bugs me. All I wanted was my friend back or even some semblance of normalcy, but it’s not to be. And I’ll be 80 with a wispy grey beard and will still think about it.

Does anyone else besides me do this to themselves? I ask, because I feel kind of…stupid. Or having an inability to drop things. If you listen to my mother she would say that that’s true. But aren’t you supposed to retain things? That’s really all you are is a collection of memories and experiences and if you let every thing go then you’re essentially giving up on who you are as a person. You’re not…enjoying it. Or learning. You’re just there. A blank piece of paper.

So are you better served if you retain things–even bad memories–or are you just a loser hanging onto things? I feel both ways about this. In my darker moments I’d call myself a loser, but when it comes down to it I think I’m grateful for having experienced some of these things. But other times…I just dwell on them and wish things had been different.

Which brings me to the other theme that occupies my mind: acceptance. This is something I was never good at and I don’t think I ever will be. I could never accept myself for who I am. And I could never accept my talents or that anyone liked me or…anything. I could never just accept things or truisms about myself and I always strived to do things ‘right’ and ‘proper’ and if I didn’t I usually never saw it as worth doing. Make sense? Probably not. I think I care less about ‘right’ and ‘proper’ these days than I used to, but every now and then it’ll crop up again and I become stymied by it as it leads to indecision.

So I freeze and then it creates more regret and bad memories. Wow…what a shitty cycle. I really am curious as to if there’s anyone out there who acts like this. I ask for two reasons 1) it makes me feel less alone and if I’m not alone then it is possible to beat this and 2) if you have beaten this…thing, how’d you do it? I know everyone has their own little tricks but specifics would be nice as I’m kind of clueless about it. Be sure that this stuff doesn’t hinder my life; it just makes things more difficult when it comes time to act or not act.

Bill Maher…

I agree with 95% of his points, but this anti-swine flu vaccine nonsense is really souring me on my opinion of him. It started on Friday with his interview with Bill Frist (whom I have a small modicum of respect for now) where he made so many stupid claims about vaccines. Now I read his twitter page and he said, “If you get the swine flu vaccine ur an idiot,” now if this is true and these are his words then I really have to give up on even thinking he knows what he’s talking about. That and his PeTA membership.

I mean, sure, a bit of apprehension is understandable with any sort of vaccine or medical decision. That’s natural and to be expected, but going out and calling people idiots for wanting to protect themselves against a potentially fatal disease is just wrong. He’s beginning to sound just as bad as the religious people that he rails against. What’s the difference between saying, “You’re an idiot if you don’t believe in God,” and, “You’re an idiot if you get the swine flu vaccine?” They’re both on the same level of taking a leap of faith.

Granted you could say that about the vaccine, but in that case the vaccine is based on years of research and science. Maher’s statement and God? Not so much. So, he’s essentially using his own faith to make a definitive statement he barely has cursory knowledge about. This also brings up what I don’t like about left-wing politics. We, and I say ‘we’ because I am left-wing and very liberal, hold ourselves up as paragons of knowledge and mocking these stupid fucks in the south for being stupid fucks. But then statements like Maher’s and HuffPo’s come out that are very anti-intellectual and they still act smug.

Dumb fucks. You have to believe that medical scientists know what they’re talking about. Or at least trust that they know what they’re doing most of the time, because that’s the fundamental basis of medicine. You have to trust that your doctor knows what they’re doing. And if you don’t then switch doctors (if you can).  If you think there may be a problem then ask questions. Be as thorough as you like. And don’t criticize people for doing something you personally disagree with. Or at least until they get in your face about it.

My Imagination Sucks

I don’t know how many of you reading this have ever tried to write a story or anything, but let me explain my process to you: I get an idea, I play it out in my head, then I write some of it out, and then I lose my concentration on the story and move to another. Any of you ever do that? It’s annoying in the extreme. I have some interesting ideas, but they run like a fucking reel to reel in my head and when the scene or ‘movie’ is over I tend not to write it.

I think it may be a form of ADD, but I don’t have that problem with anything else…er…scratch that…mathematics I do that with…it’s math (or maths if you prefer) though! Who honestly has an in-depth desire to learn that whose profession has nothing to do with it? No one I know. Anyway, going off of that bit of a tangent; I really have some nice ideas I want to get out there, but I have trouble focusing all of them. And I don’t know what to do and if it’ll ever change. I feel like I’ve lost a piece of my creativity when I’m like this. I can do designs real well and focus on it and whatnot, but the writing…not so much these days.

Ah well, fuck it…I’m going back to trying to form a whole story.