I haven’t socialized much lately. Actually the last time I remember hanging out with a friend was with Holly and that was at my place. Which was….September/October-ish? I’m ‘comfortable’, but not really comfortable in what I’m doing. Actually I realize that what I’m doing is cutting out people and that’s crap. I need to do more and I realize this. But as far as being ‘comfortable’ goes, I’m getting too used to staying inside. There’s a lesson here somewhere: don’t be lazy. I’m no longer a basket case with anxiety and such, but I’m not getting ‘better’ by just staying inside. So, I’m going to change that, I need to get out of doing this. It’s not healthy and I realize that.

Still, I feel…shades of anxiety every now and then. Like I’ll be talking and a certain thought creeps in into the silence and I get kinda anxious-ish, but on the whole not so much lately. I think I’m waiting for this arbitrary point to start doing things again and I don’t know if it’s going to get here. So, that’s not working out for me. Instead I’m going to start making myself really uncomfortable and hopefully it won’t blow up in my face. I don’t know how many people who probably will read this will ‘get it’ but, there’s always a hope. And that’s what I’ve been holding onto since high school: hope that things turn out well, a hope that I won’t always be like I am. And to an extent I’m not. I don’t know what I am at this point or who I am completely, but I see things I like.

I agree with 95% of his points, but this anti-swine flu vaccine nonsense is really souring me on my opinion of him. It started on Friday with his interview with Bill Frist (whom I have a small modicum of respect for now) where he made so many stupid claims about vaccines. Now I read his twitter page and he said, “If you get the swine flu vaccine ur an idiot,” now if this is true and these are his words then I really have to give up on even thinking he knows what he’s talking about. That and his PeTA membership.

I mean, sure, a bit of apprehension is understandable with any sort of vaccine or medical decision. That’s natural and to be expected, but going out and calling people idiots for wanting to protect themselves against a potentially fatal disease is just wrong. He’s beginning to sound just as bad as the religious people that he rails against. What’s the difference between saying, “You’re an idiot if you don’t believe in God,” and, “You’re an idiot if you get the swine flu vaccine?” They’re both on the same level of taking a leap of faith.

Granted you could say that about the vaccine, but in that case the vaccine is based on years of research and science. Maher’s statement and God? Not so much. So, he’s essentially using his own faith to make a definitive statement he barely has cursory knowledge about. This also brings up what I don’t like about left-wing politics. We, and I say ‘we’ because I am left-wing and very liberal, hold ourselves up as paragons of knowledge and mocking these stupid fucks in the south for being stupid fucks. But then statements like Maher’s and HuffPo’s come out that are very anti-intellectual and they still act smug.

Dumb fucks. You have to believe that medical scientists know what they’re talking about. Or at least trust that they know what they’re doing most of the time, because that’s the fundamental basis of medicine. You have to trust that your doctor knows what they’re doing. And if you don’t then switch doctors (if you can).  If you think there may be a problem then ask questions. Be as thorough as you like. And don’t criticize people for doing something you personally disagree with. Or at least until they get in your face about it.

I don’t know how many of you reading this have ever tried to write a story or anything, but let me explain my process to you: I get an idea, I play it out in my head, then I write some of it out, and then I lose my concentration on the story and move to another. Any of you ever do that? It’s annoying in the extreme. I have some interesting ideas, but they run like a fucking reel to reel in my head and when the scene or ‘movie’ is over I tend not to write it.

I think it may be a form of ADD, but I don’t have that problem with anything else…er…scratch that…mathematics I do that with…it’s math (or maths if you prefer) though! Who honestly has an in-depth desire to learn that whose profession has nothing to do with it? No one I know. Anyway, going off of that bit of a tangent; I really have some nice ideas I want to get out there, but I have trouble focusing all of them. And I don’t know what to do and if it’ll ever change. I feel like I’ve lost a piece of my creativity when I’m like this. I can do designs real well and focus on it and whatnot, but the writing…not so much these days.

Ah well, fuck it…I’m going back to trying to form a whole story.

I feel like I’m dead and I just don’t know it. No, not in a gothic  kind of way. More like…I can feel bits of my life gradually fading and I’m struggling against it and I don’t know how to fix it. Does that make sense? It seems like the more I’ve dropped out of my life the more I’ve lost parts of myself that I felt genuinely were ‘me’. I haven’t designed anything in weeks and I have no ideas lately. Even half-bad ones I’m lacking. And driving…forget that, I haven’t been in my car in weeks–months maybe. I’ve ceased being ’special’ and now I’m just…existing. And I’d change all of this except I don’t know how.

I don’t know which side I want to ‘fix’ first and I’m trying to do it all and losing it. I just haven’t felt it. I…am a corpse, with a few synapses firing, apparently. And I need to stop it. I want to stop it. I must stop it. Fuck, how do people get past this stuff? How do they get past anxiety to be much more…complete? I don’t feel depressed anymore. Is that it? Was I more…’me’ when I was depressed? Am I just lazy? I have too many questions and not enough answers. Supposedly that makes me wise on some level. Well, fuck that. I don’t want to be wise. I just want to be me again.

You know, as much as I’ve wanted one I think I’m coming to the conclusion that no–I don’t want one. Or at least that I’d be terrible in one so it’s not worth trying anymore. What brought this up was a text message from a ‘friend’ whom I deleted because she went all lovey dovey in her relationship and ignored me for the relationship. I have no problem with this in theory. Just…at least show some signs of life every now and then. I haven’t spoken to this friend in months so I deleted her name in my cell and blah blah blah fuck all else.

And then I’ve got other friends whose relationships are pieces of work as well and I begin to think to myself, “Why would I want that?” Really, why would I want something where you can easily backstab/cheat/ignore the world around you? I mean, hell, one day the person just may not have feelings for you anymore. What’s the appeal? Really. Sell me on this concept of backstabbing douchebaggery, because I’m having a really hard time wanting one now.

Yes, it’s taken me this long to figure it out, because I’m a hopeful sort and generally believe that things could work out for the best and I won’t be ‘one of them.’ But I fear that I would be. I like my space, I don’t believe in burying myself up to my neck in a relationship, and I hate the lying that a relationship involves.

I honestly think the years of talking to my friends and brother about their relationships have ruined the idea of a relationship for me. So thanks! Oh and let’s not forget the folks. They’ve been a stellar example as well. That’s not to say I’m angry at them, but it didn’t help.

So, my friends, take heart; your marriages/perfect relationships/engagements are fleeting.

craaaaaaaaaazy Says:
November 4, 2008 at 1:49 pm edit

let me tell u someting.dont get stink bout jw’s cause i will literally find u an beat u down personally.wat there doin is tryin to save ur sorry asses an ur takin smack.get a life brethen
No, I don’t need saving. Sending threats online violates the law (especially if you’re a US citizen), you can’t spell or form a sentence properly, you do have the perfect name. And you belong to a cult. Have a nice day.

Okay, this is a little bit of a rant. Anyway, today when I got home from the doctor’s office there were these two old/older ladies standing out near my car and the really older one looked in my car. I don’t mean just a glance. I mean she actively looked inside of my car. She also had the crazy eyes. So, that was kind of creepy. Then they wandered off never to be seen again. As we opened up the door to the house their nice little, “Would you like to know the truth?” pamphlet fell down. They were fucking Jehovah’s Witnesses!

Now, believe what you want, but for fuck’s sake do not bother me with your propaganda and do not look in my fucking car. I dunno, that just bothered me on so many levels. Also, don’t approach me at the gas station and hand me a copy of the Watchtower. Yes, this actually happened to me when I was at the Enroy on Pulaski highway and this fucking guy came up to me and gave me a copy. Maybe they smell Atheist?

So, yeah, no proselytizing to me like that. It will not get me to join your cu–I mean, ‘religion’ (sorry, JW’s strike me as crazy). it will annoy me. Maybe I should just hang a pentagram on my door. Or would they take that as a sign that I need to be ’saved’? Anyone got any thoughts on that?

I feel I’m hiding out and I’m not sure why. Maybe it’s the gastritis that’s making me feel like utter crap the more if acts up. To be sure, it is going away, but very slowly. And I don’t think my attitude on the matter is helping things. I’m actually starting to resent people who aren’t feeling this pain. I feel like I was robbed. Robbed of something, my dignity perhaps? My sanity? Something and I’m not sure why I feel this way, just that I do feel this way and I hate every damned moment of it.

Yes, things were getting better and then I mucked it again and now I feel like crap again. So, a cycle and I cannot break it. Well, I can, but it’s just…too hard. Maybe I’m afraid of failure, but whatever the case may be I just can’t seem to stay focused. I stay inside way too much for various reasons and I’m not sure if the reasons are real or fabricated. Not fabricated in the, “I’m making shit up,” kind of way, but that I’m using them as excuses to do nothing. The thought has occurred to me.

I’ll start feeling better then some ache or pain will snatch that feeling away and I’ll be left alone again to wallow in my own misery. I don’t know how to keep this from happening. Like right now my head feels stuffy and I’m thinking all sorts of bad reasons for it. Mostly fatal stuff. I really don’t know where I get this from and I try blocking it out but the more I fight the worse it gets until it leaves me a broken shell of someone who–for all intents and purposes–is healthy, but thinks that he isn’t. Does that seem strange?

I’m going to try physical activity tomorrow and see if maybe it’s my metabolism telling me to wake the hell up. It probably is, because the more I lay about the worse I feel and the worse I feel the more anxious I feel, rinse and repeat, really. I guess I’ll go now. I need to sleep, but I probably won’t do that for another 45 minutes.

my friend posted a bulletin to ‘Vote for Obama in 2008′ and ‘cleverly’ it was a just kidding. No, this was an anti-Obama message. Mainly about him not ‘thanking the troops’ in Afghanistan. Needless to say this thing really irked me even though I gave up supporting either candidate, because I believe if you’re going to vote for anybody you vote for them because you believe in them. But no, no, we should not vote for Obama because he didn’t ‘thank the troops’. Okay, first off: Thanking the troops is not mandatory. I don’t remember signing an oath where upon an American citizen needs to thank anyone from the military.

I have a friend over in Iraq now and have not felt the need to thank him once. And he’s never felt the need to remind me to thank him. Fair deal, I suppose, but I truly wonder when the military became such a bunch of pussies that they felt the need to remind everyone of their service, of the need to thank them, or anything of the like. Hey, I respect the job and the uniform, but I’m not going to go nuts thanking them for…invading a foreign nation. Great job guys, you secured my freedom by taking out two nations with barely a military. Woohoo! That’s like the bully in school asking you to thank him for beating up a geek.

Secondly: Even if I felt the need to thank the troops I would not do it over the invasion of Iraq or Afghanistan. Sorry, but I just don’t see how that’s praise worthy. You didn’t secure this nation any more than these absurd new laws secure us. No, what you did was create an illusion of taking action against an ‘enemy’ of the US. Nope. Not worthy of praise. Call me when we’re actually in danger of being invaded. And…if there’s anything left and I’m still alive, then I’ll thank you all for a job well done.

But yeah…where was I? Oh yes, the military carrying a huge chip on its shoulder. I know, it’s a thankless job and you risk your lives. Kudos! You’re braver than I am. However, if you expect me to believe what you’re actually doing constitutes ‘defending my freedom’ then you’re sorely mistaken. If you were defending my ‘freedom’ then you’d be back here taking on the politicians who are eroding our freedoms quicker than any terrorist organization can. Like so. Sooo…no thanks for you! Although I do appreciate the job you’re doing. Grow a thicker skin.

What have we learned? Vote for candidates based on their merits, not how much military ass they kiss. Or how many trips they make. And vote for “none of the above” in November.

P.S. I think it’s shameful how in love this nation is with its military. It’s almost Roman-esque.

The ‘message’ Subject: From one who is serving in Afghanistan

Hello everyone, As you know I am not a very political person. I just wanted to pass along that Senator Obama came to Bagram Afghanistan for about an hour on his visit to ‘The War Zone’. I wanted to share with you what happened. He got off the plane and got into a bullet proof vehicle, got to the area to meet with the Major General (2 Star) who is the commander here at Bagram.

As the Soldiers where lined up to shake his hand he blew them off and didn’t say a word as he went into the conference room to meet the General. As he finished, the vehicles took him to the ClamShell (pretty much a big top tent that military personnel can play basketball or work out in with weights) so he could take his publicity pictures playing basketball. He again shunned the opportunity to talk to Soldiers to thank them for their service.

So really he was just here to make a showing for the American’s back home that he is their candidate for President. I think that if you are going to make an effort to come all the way over here you would thank those that are providing the freedom that they are providing for you.

I swear we got more thanks from the NBA Basketball Players or the Dallas Cowboy Cheer leaders than from one of the Senators, who wants to be the President of the United States. I just don’t understand how anyone would want him to be our Commander-and-Chief. It was almost that he was scared to be around those that provide the freedom for him and our great country.

If this is blunt and to the point I am sorry but I wanted you all to know what kind of caliber of person he really is. What you see in the news is all fake.

In service, CPT Jeffrey S.

Porter
Battle Captain TF Wasatch American Soldier

I never really elaborated on this. You all know what’s been happening with me and everything, but lately I’ve been feeling a lot better. More relaxed. Comfortable you could say. And my stomach’s been doing a lot better. Any way, I went to the doctor a couple of weeks ago (going on 3 woohoo!) and he checked out my heart and such and reassured me of everything. And it all clicked. It never had before, but that last time really solidified in my mind and I started thinking about the positives. I focused on that instead of the pain. And the pains went away.

At least mostly. I still feel them but they don’t freak me out as much. And then I went on a Dead Like Me binge and I thought about a line from that show about thinking about the stuff you like. I realized that that’s what had kept me going before. Not that tv shows are some untapped wisdom. But every now and then they give little truths about our lives. For me it was that.

Rube: You like spaghetti, George? I like spaghetti. I like board games. I like grabbing a trifecta with that longshot on top. That ozone smell you get from air purifiers. And I like knowing the space between my ears is immeasurable. Mahler’s first, Bernstein conducting. You’ve got to think about all the things you like and decide whether they’re worth sticking around for. And if they are, you’ll find a way to do this.
George: And what if I don’t?
Rube: Then you go away, and you don’t get to like anything anymore.

I lost my perspective, as it were. And I wasn’t focusing on things that I liked or that I liked about myself. When you begin to do that it starts to weigh you down. You feel like your body weighs 800lbs and you can barely move. Or at least that’s how it felt for me. I felt so drained. Everything wore me down. I realized that it was all from burnout. I didn’t come to this realization until the feelings of anxiety became fleeting to almost non-existent.

So, I’m giving myself time off to think and to rebuild myself mentally as I took quite a bit of a shock to the system this past year and things that I thought were solidified in my mind weren’t. I thought my psyche was stronger than it was, but it wasn’t. One thing set off a whole chain reaction that blew it apart. I think I need to build up a better defense for the next time something like this happens. Which I’m working on. I’d also like to thank the friends who stuck by me while I was going through this. Your help and your confidence in me was much appreciated.