Forgiveness And Acceptance

This occupies a lot of my thoughts and it always has, because I remember every fuck up and mistake and i keep berating myself for them. I wonder if it’ll ever end or get to a point where I let these things go. Recently I asked for forgiveness from someone and have yet to get a reply. So, I’m guessing that’s a ‘no’. And it really bugs me. All I wanted was my friend back or even some semblance of normalcy, but it’s not to be. And I’ll be 80 with a wispy grey beard and will still think about it.

Does anyone else besides me do this to themselves? I ask, because I feel kind of…stupid. Or having an inability to drop things. If you listen to my mother she would say that that’s true. But aren’t you supposed to retain things? That’s really all you are is a collection of memories and experiences and if you let every thing go then you’re essentially giving up on who you are as a person. You’re not…enjoying it. Or learning. You’re just there. A blank piece of paper.

So are you better served if you retain things–even bad memories–or are you just a loser hanging onto things? I feel both ways about this. In my darker moments I’d call myself a loser, but when it comes down to it I think I’m grateful for having experienced some of these things. But other times…I just dwell on them and wish things had been different.

Which brings me to the other theme that occupies my mind: acceptance. This is something I was never good at and I don’t think I ever will be. I could never accept myself for who I am. And I could never accept my talents or that anyone liked me or…anything. I could never just accept things or truisms about myself and I always strived to do things ‘right’ and ‘proper’ and if I didn’t I usually never saw it as worth doing. Make sense? Probably not. I think I care less about ‘right’ and ‘proper’ these days than I used to, but every now and then it’ll crop up again and I become stymied by it as it leads to indecision.

So I freeze and then it creates more regret and bad memories. Wow…what a shitty cycle. I really am curious as to if there’s anyone out there who acts like this. I ask for two reasons 1) it makes me feel less alone and if I’m not alone then it is possible to beat this and 2) if you have beaten this…thing, how’d you do it? I know everyone has their own little tricks but specifics would be nice as I’m kind of clueless about it. Be sure that this stuff doesn’t hinder my life; it just makes things more difficult when it comes time to act or not act.

Body

I focus on my body too much. Well, not as in I’m a fitness freak, I’m not. I wish I were, but anyway, little aches and pains to me become big explosions within my body to me. Then I get to thinking, “Why do I have them?” And the funny thing about the mind is that a little knowledge about medicine (mostly learned through reading books on the subject) can create all sorts of wild thoughts. Some highlights:

“Oh, my arm feels numb and tingly, must be a heart attack. I’m going to die any moment.”

“I have a really bad headache so I must have a tumor. Or worse, maybe I’m having a stroke.”

“My foot’s tingle, my stomach aches, I feel some pressure in my chest, and my arm’s numb. I’m dying. It’s going to happen. Oh fuck oh fuck.”

Generally these sorts of thoughts are not productive and I see that now, but my boredom kept me thinking that way and a little bit of, “Why is this happening to me?” If I were thinking rationally about these thoughts I could see which each of them were and I wouldn’t have any panic attacks. See, I’m dominantly left handed because I was born with my umbilical cord wrapped around my neck which seems to have caused a ’stroke-like’ affect on my right arm. I can hardly use it for normal things. So, everything I do involves my left hand. Use a mouse it’s my left hand, catch a baseball and it’s my left hand, pick something up and that involves my left hand. This causes a lot of pain and damage over time, apparently.

The other things like the pressure in my chest is mainly from the acid reflux and I get tension headaches frequently most likely from looking at the computer too much. All of these things are very logically explained and if I took a second to think about it I could calm myself. But panic and anxiety rarely work that way. At least with me. In the moment these thoughts are disorganized and then they crystalize into something life-threatening which causes more panic. It’s a certainty that has no real basis for it. I’m seeing all of this now and you might call it stupid that I haven’t seen it sooner, but I think unless you’ve actually been through it then you’ll never really no how you’d react. I’ve tried rationally working things out before and no real luck sometimes.

Anyway, I think I’ve got some positive momentum right now with regards to this particular anxiety and am slowly building up steam now. I haven’t been focusing on my body as much and it’s helping a great deal to keep me from panicking. Time will tell on this, but I think I’m making more progress now than I made even a year ago.

Fading…

I feel like I’m dead and I just don’t know it. No, not in a gothic  kind of way. More like…I can feel bits of my life gradually fading and I’m struggling against it and I don’t know how to fix it. Does that make sense? It seems like the more I’ve dropped out of my life the more I’ve lost parts of myself that I felt genuinely were ‘me’. I haven’t designed anything in weeks and I have no ideas lately. Even half-bad ones I’m lacking. And driving…forget that, I haven’t been in my car in weeks–months maybe. I’ve ceased being ’special’ and now I’m just…existing. And I’d change all of this except I don’t know how.

I don’t know which side I want to ‘fix’ first and I’m trying to do it all and losing it. I just haven’t felt it. I…am a corpse, with a few synapses firing, apparently. And I need to stop it. I want to stop it. I must stop it. Fuck, how do people get past this stuff? How do they get past anxiety to be much more…complete? I don’t feel depressed anymore. Is that it? Was I more…’me’ when I was depressed? Am I just lazy? I have too many questions and not enough answers. Supposedly that makes me wise on some level. Well, fuck that. I don’t want to be wise. I just want to be me again.

Adventures In Weed

I say I don’t have a very interesting life and I think I’m correct in that assessment, but I’ve been known to do some shady things. Full disclosure: I’ve only attempted to smoke weed three times in my entire life. After the third time I’ve vowed never to try it again. Mainly because of what happened during the third time.

A year or so ago I was going through some serious anxiety and I was looking for ways to calm down and I was chatting with my friend and he was like, “You know what calms me down? Weed.” So, I thought it over and I was willing to try anything at that point and I said, “Sure.” I went to my friend’s house and then we went and hung out with his sister and her boyfriend and lit up. Okay, fine. So we’re smoking the weed through these handmade cigar-type things and we’re all sharing it. Big mistake for me as I was going through a germaphobe phase at that point.

As we all were smoking it I kept getting even more anxious than before. Since then I’ve vowed never to attempt to smoke weed again. I really don’t mean this to sound disparaging of my friend; it’s not, I actually did have a good time barring the smoking weed bit. I just couldn’t handle sharing anything at the time without going, “Oh fuck, what if I catch something?!” On a whole, not the brightest move I’ve ever made on my own, but nothing ended up happening to me.

Sooo….

my friend posted a bulletin to ‘Vote for Obama in 2008′ and ‘cleverly’ it was a just kidding. No, this was an anti-Obama message. Mainly about him not ‘thanking the troops’ in Afghanistan. Needless to say this thing really irked me even though I gave up supporting either candidate, because I believe if you’re going to vote for anybody you vote for them because you believe in them. But no, no, we should not vote for Obama because he didn’t ‘thank the troops’. Okay, first off: Thanking the troops is not mandatory. I don’t remember signing an oath where upon an American citizen needs to thank anyone from the military.

I have a friend over in Iraq now and have not felt the need to thank him once. And he’s never felt the need to remind me to thank him. Fair deal, I suppose, but I truly wonder when the military became such a bunch of pussies that they felt the need to remind everyone of their service, of the need to thank them, or anything of the like. Hey, I respect the job and the uniform, but I’m not going to go nuts thanking them for…invading a foreign nation. Great job guys, you secured my freedom by taking out two nations with barely a military. Woohoo! That’s like the bully in school asking you to thank him for beating up a geek.

Secondly: Even if I felt the need to thank the troops I would not do it over the invasion of Iraq or Afghanistan. Sorry, but I just don’t see how that’s praise worthy. You didn’t secure this nation any more than these absurd new laws secure us. No, what you did was create an illusion of taking action against an ‘enemy’ of the US. Nope. Not worthy of praise. Call me when we’re actually in danger of being invaded. And…if there’s anything left and I’m still alive, then I’ll thank you all for a job well done.

But yeah…where was I? Oh yes, the military carrying a huge chip on its shoulder. I know, it’s a thankless job and you risk your lives. Kudos! You’re braver than I am. However, if you expect me to believe what you’re actually doing constitutes ‘defending my freedom’ then you’re sorely mistaken. If you were defending my ‘freedom’ then you’d be back here taking on the politicians who are eroding our freedoms quicker than any terrorist organization can. Like so. Sooo…no thanks for you! Although I do appreciate the job you’re doing. Grow a thicker skin.

What have we learned? Vote for candidates based on their merits, not how much military ass they kiss. Or how many trips they make. And vote for “none of the above” in November.

P.S. I think it’s shameful how in love this nation is with its military. It’s almost Roman-esque.

The ‘message’ Subject: From one who is serving in Afghanistan

Hello everyone, As you know I am not a very political person. I just wanted to pass along that Senator Obama came to Bagram Afghanistan for about an hour on his visit to ‘The War Zone’. I wanted to share with you what happened. He got off the plane and got into a bullet proof vehicle, got to the area to meet with the Major General (2 Star) who is the commander here at Bagram.

As the Soldiers where lined up to shake his hand he blew them off and didn’t say a word as he went into the conference room to meet the General. As he finished, the vehicles took him to the ClamShell (pretty much a big top tent that military personnel can play basketball or work out in with weights) so he could take his publicity pictures playing basketball. He again shunned the opportunity to talk to Soldiers to thank them for their service.

So really he was just here to make a showing for the American’s back home that he is their candidate for President. I think that if you are going to make an effort to come all the way over here you would thank those that are providing the freedom that they are providing for you.

I swear we got more thanks from the NBA Basketball Players or the Dallas Cowboy Cheer leaders than from one of the Senators, who wants to be the President of the United States. I just don’t understand how anyone would want him to be our Commander-and-Chief. It was almost that he was scared to be around those that provide the freedom for him and our great country.

If this is blunt and to the point I am sorry but I wanted you all to know what kind of caliber of person he really is. What you see in the news is all fake.

In service, CPT Jeffrey S.

Porter
Battle Captain TF Wasatch American Soldier

Nightmare Passing complete

I never really elaborated on this. You all know what’s been happening with me and everything, but lately I’ve been feeling a lot better. More relaxed. Comfortable you could say. And my stomach’s been doing a lot better. Any way, I went to the doctor a couple of weeks ago (going on 3 woohoo!) and he checked out my heart and such and reassured me of everything. And it all clicked. It never had before, but that last time really solidified in my mind and I started thinking about the positives. I focused on that instead of the pain. And the pains went away.

At least mostly. I still feel them but they don’t freak me out as much. And then I went on a Dead Like Me binge and I thought about a line from that show about thinking about the stuff you like. I realized that that’s what had kept me going before. Not that tv shows are some untapped wisdom. But every now and then they give little truths about our lives. For me it was that.

Rube: You like spaghetti, George? I like spaghetti. I like board games. I like grabbing a trifecta with that longshot on top. That ozone smell you get from air purifiers. And I like knowing the space between my ears is immeasurable. Mahler’s first, Bernstein conducting. You’ve got to think about all the things you like and decide whether they’re worth sticking around for. And if they are, you’ll find a way to do this.
George: And what if I don’t?
Rube: Then you go away, and you don’t get to like anything anymore.

I lost my perspective, as it were. And I wasn’t focusing on things that I liked or that I liked about myself. When you begin to do that it starts to weigh you down. You feel like your body weighs 800lbs and you can barely move. Or at least that’s how it felt for me. I felt so drained. Everything wore me down. I realized that it was all from burnout. I didn’t come to this realization until the feelings of anxiety became fleeting to almost non-existent.

So, I’m giving myself time off to think and to rebuild myself mentally as I took quite a bit of a shock to the system this past year and things that I thought were solidified in my mind weren’t. I thought my psyche was stronger than it was, but it wasn’t. One thing set off a whole chain reaction that blew it apart. I think I need to build up a better defense for the next time something like this happens. Which I’m working on. I’d also like to thank the friends who stuck by me while I was going through this. Your help and your confidence in me was much appreciated.

A holiday

I haven’t been creating much, though I have a lot of ideas. And some work that I could do, but right now I’m just taking a break. I think I’ve been burned out since last year and it just finally made me snap. Luckily I’ve snapped out of it. Which is funny, because that’s a lot of snapping.

Any way, my year has been shit for the most part. And by ‘year’ I mean from August till now. Bad anxiety, bad mood, bad outlook, etc. It’s really not a fun thing to constantly see the bad in every situation and while I have a bit of a reputation for doing that–in this case it was more than a little morbid. I could ’see’ bad things happening which made me panic.

Gastritis doesn’t help as it made me feel worse physically than I already did before. On the good side, I’ve lost almost 50lbs so far and am still losing it. So, I guess that’s good. Shame I had to have something bad happen that didn’t help my temperament.

So, lately I’ve been putting myself back together mentally and it’s not been an easy process, but I’ve quit taking the lorazepam as I don’t need it. I’m learning not to hold stuff back, well, mostly. I’m re-forging my psyche, I guess. If you want to be dramatic about it.

That’s been my whole problem, though, I’ve let stuff build and I don’t share it with anyone. Even my closest friends. I guess I’m afraid they won’t understand or they’ll think I’m nuts, or…whatever. Anyway…that’s what has been happening to me. I feel a lot better and I’ve been a lot more positive. Except this sunburn is killing me.

Where to begin…

For about a year now I’ve been having anxiety attacks. Just sharp, sudden outbursts; it used to be contained to just my house and now it’s creeping out into the outside world. I cry, I feel faint, my body feels weak, my heart starts to race, and I feel like I’m going to die–no, I’m certain I am going to die. At least when they happen.

These all started the last week of August before this monster semester of college that I setup for myself. During that summer my father was having blood pressure spikes, my car broke down, I had pneumonia, and my grandfather died within days of my birthday. My life was spiraling downward in what should have been one of the best times I was gonna have. I was graduating in the spring and I was finally becoming very good as a graphic designer.

The first attack came after I was home for a while and my left leg started tingling. I shrugged it off, but it persisted, I brought in some groceries and my heart felt like it was racing. I felt faint, dizzy, anxious, I yelled at my father to get me to the hospital. I thought I was having a heart attack. Turns out this was the first in a long, long series of anxiety attacks. Time passed and I kept crying and having fits, every ache and pain became magnified into a life-threatening illness. It wasn’t until about January when I felt somewhat normal again. And for a time they went away and sometimes I’d cry, but nothing really to worry about.

Lately they’ve been intruding on my life again, I was diagnosed with gastritis recently and I don’t know if the anxiety caused it or just my poor diet. Probably both. I have tendinitis in both of my shoulders from excessive computer use. I keep looking up symptoms online and seeing if they match up. And if they do I usually think I’ve got that illness or there might be a chance that I’ve got it.

And now I see myself dying almost every day. I’ve probably ‘died’ hundreds of thousands of times over the last year. My social life is in the crapper and I have way too much time to think about what’s wrong with me, and I have friends, but I don’t see them very often. And now this anxiety is transferring over to my driving.

I’m at my wit’s end and I don’t know what to do to get myself out of this place. I used to be at least normal, if not happy. Now I just see death and nothing positive about my life. If anyone out there has any suggestions I’ll gladly take them because I’m just about out of solutions for myself.

Hide And Seek

I took a creative writing class a few years back and the book that our professor wanted us to buy was: All I Really Need To Know I Learned In Kindergarten. I’ve never read the whole book all the way through. I find passages I like and can relate to and I read them. My favorite is ‘Hide And Seek’. I think that resonates with me because I’ve been ‘hiding’ well from everyone and everything. I have no social life and at this point in my life I think I could die and no one would notice. At least not until years later or so. Maybe that’s just my own cynicism.

I think about myself every day and how I wish I were different; how things could have been different for me, at how little I’ve done with myself outside of school. And it makes me sad–no, fucking depressed. The problem is that I’ve gotten so…used to this pattern that it’s really hard for me to change it. And every year my shut-in mentality gets worse. It’s like being phased out of existence a little bit at a time, only not as fast. First your social life goes, then your emotions, and eventually your sanity. Like so: I’ll often feel an ache and think that I’m dying or I’ve got some major disease. That it’s incurable. I’m very certain I’ll die soon. Etc.

Crazy stuff, I know, but that’s what’s happened to me. I don’t know how to get out of it. I can’t think straight and I lose memories, which I’ve heard isn’t that uncommon if you’ve got a lot of anxiety. So, the ‘Hide And Seek’ part I definitely can relate to, but the problem is actually getting ‘found’. I try and I usually fail or some other calamity happens that makes me wanna give-up. Or my own insecurities make me so insecure that I act awkwardly around people or say stupid stuff. I dunno…it’s a mess and I struggle every day to sort it out but once I think I’ve got a handle on things then something else happens.

I’m becoming my father, actually. He reminisces about his childhood and how he loved it and such. And I don’t want to be that person whose ‘best years’ are so far behind him that I end up not living and just….give up on having a life. I think I’m headed that way and as I said: no clue about how to deal with it. I’m only 25 for cripes sake. I shouldn’t be thinking like this yet I do.

I come back to this: There’s no quick fixes in life and everything takes work, even sorting yourself out, but what happens when you don’t believe that you can be sorted out?

It’s all over…

I feel like I’ve been through one hell of a battle and the dust is clearing and finally the war is over. All my struggles culminated yesterday and tonight and finally I am out of class. Possibly for good. Now what? People say to relax, but I dunno how to. I’ve been on overdrive since last semester and now that it’s all ending I feel a bit of sadness mixed with joy and a bit of fear. Now I need to start looking for work and hopefully getting a job. I don’t know what to do now, so I guess I’ll just wing it. Uncertainty is something I hate, but it’s something I must get used to.