Comfortably Gone

I haven’t socialized much lately. Actually the last time I remember hanging out with a friend was with Holly and that was at my place. Which was….September/October-ish? I’m ‘comfortable’, but not really comfortable in what I’m doing. Actually I realize that what I’m doing is cutting out people and that’s crap. I need to do more and I realize this. But as far as being ‘comfortable’ goes, I’m getting too used to staying inside. There’s a lesson here somewhere: don’t be lazy. I’m no longer a basket case with anxiety and such, but I’m not getting ‘better’ by just staying inside. So, I’m going to change that, I need to get out of doing this. It’s not healthy and I realize that.

Still, I feel…shades of anxiety every now and then. Like I’ll be talking and a certain thought creeps in into the silence and I get kinda anxious-ish, but on the whole not so much lately. I think I’m waiting for this arbitrary point to start doing things again and I don’t know if it’s going to get here. So, that’s not working out for me. Instead I’m going to start making myself really uncomfortable and hopefully it won’t blow up in my face. I don’t know how many people who probably will read this will ‘get it’ but, there’s always a hope. And that’s what I’ve been holding onto since high school: hope that things turn out well, a hope that I won’t always be like I am. And to an extent I’m not. I don’t know what I am at this point or who I am completely, but I see things I like.

Forgiveness And Acceptance

This occupies a lot of my thoughts and it always has, because I remember every fuck up and mistake and i keep berating myself for them. I wonder if it’ll ever end or get to a point where I let these things go. Recently I asked for forgiveness from someone and have yet to get a reply. So, I’m guessing that’s a ‘no’. And it really bugs me. All I wanted was my friend back or even some semblance of normalcy, but it’s not to be. And I’ll be 80 with a wispy grey beard and will still think about it.

Does anyone else besides me do this to themselves? I ask, because I feel kind of…stupid. Or having an inability to drop things. If you listen to my mother she would say that that’s true. But aren’t you supposed to retain things? That’s really all you are is a collection of memories and experiences and if you let every thing go then you’re essentially giving up on who you are as a person. You’re not…enjoying it. Or learning. You’re just there. A blank piece of paper.

So are you better served if you retain things–even bad memories–or are you just a loser hanging onto things? I feel both ways about this. In my darker moments I’d call myself a loser, but when it comes down to it I think I’m grateful for having experienced some of these things. But other times…I just dwell on them and wish things had been different.

Which brings me to the other theme that occupies my mind: acceptance. This is something I was never good at and I don’t think I ever will be. I could never accept myself for who I am. And I could never accept my talents or that anyone liked me or…anything. I could never just accept things or truisms about myself and I always strived to do things ‘right’ and ‘proper’ and if I didn’t I usually never saw it as worth doing. Make sense? Probably not. I think I care less about ‘right’ and ‘proper’ these days than I used to, but every now and then it’ll crop up again and I become stymied by it as it leads to indecision.

So I freeze and then it creates more regret and bad memories. Wow…what a shitty cycle. I really am curious as to if there’s anyone out there who acts like this. I ask for two reasons 1) it makes me feel less alone and if I’m not alone then it is possible to beat this and 2) if you have beaten this…thing, how’d you do it? I know everyone has their own little tricks but specifics would be nice as I’m kind of clueless about it. Be sure that this stuff doesn’t hinder my life; it just makes things more difficult when it comes time to act or not act.

Body

I focus on my body too much. Well, not as in I’m a fitness freak, I’m not. I wish I were, but anyway, little aches and pains to me become big explosions within my body to me. Then I get to thinking, “Why do I have them?” And the funny thing about the mind is that a little knowledge about medicine (mostly learned through reading books on the subject) can create all sorts of wild thoughts. Some highlights:

“Oh, my arm feels numb and tingly, must be a heart attack. I’m going to die any moment.”

“I have a really bad headache so I must have a tumor. Or worse, maybe I’m having a stroke.”

“My foot’s tingle, my stomach aches, I feel some pressure in my chest, and my arm’s numb. I’m dying. It’s going to happen. Oh fuck oh fuck.”

Generally these sorts of thoughts are not productive and I see that now, but my boredom kept me thinking that way and a little bit of, “Why is this happening to me?” If I were thinking rationally about these thoughts I could see which each of them were and I wouldn’t have any panic attacks. See, I’m dominantly left handed because I was born with my umbilical cord wrapped around my neck which seems to have caused a ’stroke-like’ affect on my right arm. I can hardly use it for normal things. So, everything I do involves my left hand. Use a mouse it’s my left hand, catch a baseball and it’s my left hand, pick something up and that involves my left hand. This causes a lot of pain and damage over time, apparently.

The other things like the pressure in my chest is mainly from the acid reflux and I get tension headaches frequently most likely from looking at the computer too much. All of these things are very logically explained and if I took a second to think about it I could calm myself. But panic and anxiety rarely work that way. At least with me. In the moment these thoughts are disorganized and then they crystalize into something life-threatening which causes more panic. It’s a certainty that has no real basis for it. I’m seeing all of this now and you might call it stupid that I haven’t seen it sooner, but I think unless you’ve actually been through it then you’ll never really no how you’d react. I’ve tried rationally working things out before and no real luck sometimes.

Anyway, I think I’ve got some positive momentum right now with regards to this particular anxiety and am slowly building up steam now. I haven’t been focusing on my body as much and it’s helping a great deal to keep me from panicking. Time will tell on this, but I think I’m making more progress now than I made even a year ago.

A holiday

I haven’t been creating much, though I have a lot of ideas. And some work that I could do, but right now I’m just taking a break. I think I’ve been burned out since last year and it just finally made me snap. Luckily I’ve snapped out of it. Which is funny, because that’s a lot of snapping.

Any way, my year has been shit for the most part. And by ‘year’ I mean from August till now. Bad anxiety, bad mood, bad outlook, etc. It’s really not a fun thing to constantly see the bad in every situation and while I have a bit of a reputation for doing that–in this case it was more than a little morbid. I could ’see’ bad things happening which made me panic.

Gastritis doesn’t help as it made me feel worse physically than I already did before. On the good side, I’ve lost almost 50lbs so far and am still losing it. So, I guess that’s good. Shame I had to have something bad happen that didn’t help my temperament.

So, lately I’ve been putting myself back together mentally and it’s not been an easy process, but I’ve quit taking the lorazepam as I don’t need it. I’m learning not to hold stuff back, well, mostly. I’m re-forging my psyche, I guess. If you want to be dramatic about it.

That’s been my whole problem, though, I’ve let stuff build and I don’t share it with anyone. Even my closest friends. I guess I’m afraid they won’t understand or they’ll think I’m nuts, or…whatever. Anyway…that’s what has been happening to me. I feel a lot better and I’ve been a lot more positive. Except this sunburn is killing me.

It’s all over…

I feel like I’ve been through one hell of a battle and the dust is clearing and finally the war is over. All my struggles culminated yesterday and tonight and finally I am out of class. Possibly for good. Now what? People say to relax, but I dunno how to. I’ve been on overdrive since last semester and now that it’s all ending I feel a bit of sadness mixed with joy and a bit of fear. Now I need to start looking for work and hopefully getting a job. I don’t know what to do now, so I guess I’ll just wing it. Uncertainty is something I hate, but it’s something I must get used to.

A future

There was a time in my past when I had no future–or maybe there was one, but I wasn’t aware of it. I was so stupid my 9th grade year of high school; I cut class way more than I should have. And I betrayed my father and I betrayed myself. I failed that year because I had no ambition and no goals. I wasn’t too sure exactly what I wanted to do with myself (other than do nothing).

I went to truancy court for missing so many days and they pretty much told me that I either go to class or my parents go to jail (nice, ‘eh?). And I had to strictly sign in to class. Well, after about 4 months of that I got sick of it. Finally the next year came and I had to repeat the 9th grade, but it was probably the best thing that could have happened to me.

The next year I was given a shop class that was kind of fun. And since I had really improved myself so I was recommended for our graphic communication class. It was a trivial act at the time, but it was a great moment and the beginning of what I’m doing now. I look back at it and the trivial event of being introduced to this teacher that seemed kind of…out there at first was who helped shape my future . I’m planning to become a publication designer and I don’t know if I’ll succeed, or even if I’m all that good. I’m getting there. This one event led me to where I am today and I’m thankful for everything that has happened since.

I had a moment like this the last day of classes this semester as I was leaving the campus I had a feeling of euphoria and for once I felt truly content with myself and who I am. I’ve never really felt that way until that day. Maybe it was the last day of class being so surreal to me. Or maybe it was the fact that I felt different. I felt like things were truly changing for me and for the better.