Body

I focus on my body too much. Well, not as in I’m a fitness freak, I’m not. I wish I were, but anyway, little aches and pains to me become big explosions within my body to me. Then I get to thinking, “Why do I have them?” And the funny thing about the mind is that a little knowledge about medicine (mostly learned through reading books on the subject) can create all sorts of wild thoughts. Some highlights:

“Oh, my arm feels numb and tingly, must be a heart attack. I’m going to die any moment.”

“I have a really bad headache so I must have a tumor. Or worse, maybe I’m having a stroke.”

“My foot’s tingle, my stomach aches, I feel some pressure in my chest, and my arm’s numb. I’m dying. It’s going to happen. Oh fuck oh fuck.”

Generally these sorts of thoughts are not productive and I see that now, but my boredom kept me thinking that way and a little bit of, “Why is this happening to me?” If I were thinking rationally about these thoughts I could see which each of them were and I wouldn’t have any panic attacks. See, I’m dominantly left handed because I was born with my umbilical cord wrapped around my neck which seems to have caused a ’stroke-like’ affect on my right arm. I can hardly use it for normal things. So, everything I do involves my left hand. Use a mouse it’s my left hand, catch a baseball and it’s my left hand, pick something up and that involves my left hand. This causes a lot of pain and damage over time, apparently.

The other things like the pressure in my chest is mainly from the acid reflux and I get tension headaches frequently most likely from looking at the computer too much. All of these things are very logically explained and if I took a second to think about it I could calm myself. But panic and anxiety rarely work that way. At least with me. In the moment these thoughts are disorganized and then they crystalize into something life-threatening which causes more panic. It’s a certainty that has no real basis for it. I’m seeing all of this now and you might call it stupid that I haven’t seen it sooner, but I think unless you’ve actually been through it then you’ll never really no how you’d react. I’ve tried rationally working things out before and no real luck sometimes.

Anyway, I think I’ve got some positive momentum right now with regards to this particular anxiety and am slowly building up steam now. I haven’t been focusing on my body as much and it’s helping a great deal to keep me from panicking. Time will tell on this, but I think I’m making more progress now than I made even a year ago.

Fast Thoughts

I’ve come to the conclusion that if I’m ever feeling the need to share my knowledge with anyone that I need to write it down in a 500 page manual detailing every bit that could go wrong or will go wrong, or what to do. I can’t take it when people move…sooo…..slllllooooowwww….I have an infinite patience when it comes to a lot of things, but detailing something for a friend or relative drives me daffy.

You could say that I’m just being an ass and that ‘not everyone picks things up as easily’ and you might be right. But that still doesn’t change the fact that when I try to explain technical stuff to people that when they go slow, I can feel myself aging. Really.

My mind usually has fifty other things rolling around in it and adding one more fills it to capacity so that it’s no longer a loony bin with some order; instead it turns into a monkey exhibit with the monkeys rubbing shit all over the walls. It’s just annoying.

I’d love to be able to help people, but when they go slow it just drags my thought process down and I snap. I should probably get that looked at. It’s also probably why I have so much anxiety about everything. And if I’m not anxious about it yet, I soon will be. Where was I? Oh yes, too many thoughts going on. It keeps me up at night as well. Not all nights, but when I have a really good idea or thought it’s been known to drag me into daylight hours.

So, I don’t know how many people who know me will read this, but if you do and if you ever need technical advice….don’t come to me. It’s just an exercise in frustration. Thank you.