Forgiveness And Acceptance

This occupies a lot of my thoughts and it always has, because I remember every fuck up and mistake and i keep berating myself for them. I wonder if it’ll ever end or get to a point where I let these things go. Recently I asked for forgiveness from someone and have yet to get a reply. So, I’m guessing that’s a ‘no’. And it really bugs me. All I wanted was my friend back or even some semblance of normalcy, but it’s not to be. And I’ll be 80 with a wispy grey beard and will still think about it.

Does anyone else besides me do this to themselves? I ask, because I feel kind of…stupid. Or having an inability to drop things. If you listen to my mother she would say that that’s true. But aren’t you supposed to retain things? That’s really all you are is a collection of memories and experiences and if you let every thing go then you’re essentially giving up on who you are as a person. You’re not…enjoying it. Or learning. You’re just there. A blank piece of paper.

So are you better served if you retain things–even bad memories–or are you just a loser hanging onto things? I feel both ways about this. In my darker moments I’d call myself a loser, but when it comes down to it I think I’m grateful for having experienced some of these things. But other times…I just dwell on them and wish things had been different.

Which brings me to the other theme that occupies my mind: acceptance. This is something I was never good at and I don’t think I ever will be. I could never accept myself for who I am. And I could never accept my talents or that anyone liked me or…anything. I could never just accept things or truisms about myself and I always strived to do things ‘right’ and ‘proper’ and if I didn’t I usually never saw it as worth doing. Make sense? Probably not. I think I care less about ‘right’ and ‘proper’ these days than I used to, but every now and then it’ll crop up again and I become stymied by it as it leads to indecision.

So I freeze and then it creates more regret and bad memories. Wow…what a shitty cycle. I really am curious as to if there’s anyone out there who acts like this. I ask for two reasons 1) it makes me feel less alone and if I’m not alone then it is possible to beat this and 2) if you have beaten this…thing, how’d you do it? I know everyone has their own little tricks but specifics would be nice as I’m kind of clueless about it. Be sure that this stuff doesn’t hinder my life; it just makes things more difficult when it comes time to act or not act.

Hide And Seek

I took a creative writing class a few years back and the book that our professor wanted us to buy was: All I Really Need To Know I Learned In Kindergarten. I’ve never read the whole book all the way through. I find passages I like and can relate to and I read them. My favorite is ‘Hide And Seek’. I think that resonates with me because I’ve been ‘hiding’ well from everyone and everything. I have no social life and at this point in my life I think I could die and no one would notice. At least not until years later or so. Maybe that’s just my own cynicism.

I think about myself every day and how I wish I were different; how things could have been different for me, at how little I’ve done with myself outside of school. And it makes me sad–no, fucking depressed. The problem is that I’ve gotten so…used to this pattern that it’s really hard for me to change it. And every year my shut-in mentality gets worse. It’s like being phased out of existence a little bit at a time, only not as fast. First your social life goes, then your emotions, and eventually your sanity. Like so: I’ll often feel an ache and think that I’m dying or I’ve got some major disease. That it’s incurable. I’m very certain I’ll die soon. Etc.

Crazy stuff, I know, but that’s what’s happened to me. I don’t know how to get out of it. I can’t think straight and I lose memories, which I’ve heard isn’t that uncommon if you’ve got a lot of anxiety. So, the ‘Hide And Seek’ part I definitely can relate to, but the problem is actually getting ‘found’. I try and I usually fail or some other calamity happens that makes me wanna give-up. Or my own insecurities make me so insecure that I act awkwardly around people or say stupid stuff. I dunno…it’s a mess and I struggle every day to sort it out but once I think I’ve got a handle on things then something else happens.

I’m becoming my father, actually. He reminisces about his childhood and how he loved it and such. And I don’t want to be that person whose ‘best years’ are so far behind him that I end up not living and just….give up on having a life. I think I’m headed that way and as I said: no clue about how to deal with it. I’m only 25 for cripes sake. I shouldn’t be thinking like this yet I do.

I come back to this: There’s no quick fixes in life and everything takes work, even sorting yourself out, but what happens when you don’t believe that you can be sorted out?

Happiness?

Some time ago I think I lost what it feels like to be happy. I mean, there are times when I’m genuinely pleased with myself and the people I’m around, but it’s always fleeting. I keep feeling like I pick up sand and it slowly slips from my grasp. I don’t mean this in a, “Nobody loves me,” emo kind of way. But I can’t remember the last time I was genuinely happy. I don’t think of myself as a bitter man, but I do have my cynical streak that is slowly giving way and flooding my psyche. But as for days where I can wake up in the mirror and say, “Gee, I’m glad I am who I am,” I don’t have those kind of days. And if I do feel good it’s still only temporary. I thought for a bit about the people and things that make me happy and I’ve come to the conclusion that not a lot of what I do makes me happy.

I look at my behaviors and ask myself, “Has this made me happy? Has this made a difference in my life?” The short answer is no. Graphic design makes me happy because it’s creative and I can channel parts of myself I never knew I had and occasionally come up with a design that people genuinely like. I like doing that and it makes me happy. I like hanging out with my friends (when I do); it makes me feel alive. I like those warm-cool nights in the spring where I can roll my windows down and just drive. I like a sunny spring day which isn’t too warm or too cold. Just listening to nature and feeling it all around me. I used to have those kind of days back in elementary school where I could just pause my life and sit and listen. I was happy. I didn’t know what I knew now and I was happier for it.

I often wonder how I got here from where I was and it makes me wistful for that time back. Things were a lot easier for me and I could say I was happy because I hadn’t had years of rejection and solitude staring me in the face.  Now it seems like those things are constant and the happiness becomes less and less. You could say I am depressed, but I don’t think so. I still can feel joy and I can be happy. So, I don’t think it’s that. Maybe it’s just a life (so far) full of regrets and missed opportunities. I mean–here I am sitting home on a Saturday night complaining about these things. I feel like I’m searching for answers to my problems and they keep bringing up more questions for me and I just can’t take it. I want solutions. And I absolutely hate uncertainty. Granted, life is always going to be uncertain, but I think a modicum of answers would be appreciated.

I guess nothing that is good should be easy to obtain–that it takes hard work and a lot of failure. But for once I wish things could be simple again. I know that’s a silly notion and I know that’s not possible. Still, for me there would be no anxiety and no rejection, no fear of failure. No fear of being alone. There would just be me being able to get on with my life without worry and I could be happy on a constant basis. Which is all I ever really want.

Masochism is fun

So, it’s time I make a confession: I am a masochist. I apparently derive some weird sort of pleasure from being abused. Well, I don’t know that for sure, but given that I put up with so many people that annoy me and make me want to stab myself in the eye with a pencil and jam an ice pick through my ear to my brain; I’d say I get some pleasure from it.

If I didn’t then I’m a self-inflicting sadist. If such a thing existed. Maybe it does? Beats me, but yeah, I put up with a lot of idiotic behavior from drivers, from people I meet while standing in a line, and just every day life. I also put up with some people (well, not anymore) I’ve been friends with. I won’t name any names. But yeah, they annoy me. I am growing more of a backbone, though. And I have been asserting myself with more topics that pertain to my life.

This also brings up another point that’s been wearing on me: People below the age of 24. I’ve met two people below the age of 24 that really have impressed me. And they’re both sisters and I adore them. Other than that, I’ve come to the conclusion that those below 24 are not the kind of types I’d be interested in. As in friends or relationship wise. I can’t stand being with a semi-less geeky type than myself. Such as goths or emo types. I steer clear of them if I can.

“Arrrrgghhh…” He says in a comic book way

In one of life’s other cruelties the girl I finally realize I’m attracted to I can’t be with. At least not right now. See, we’ve been friends all these years and I’ve hung out with her for a week while I was in Canada. If you haven’t guessed my predicament yet…well, there is no hope. Any way, I really liked her then and she had a ‘boyfriend’ at the time. I say ‘boyfriend’ because he hated that term. Come to think of it…he was really fricking odd. Funny, but odd with every thing. At any rate, I came to the conclusion that were I able to I would be with her at this moment over anyone else I’ve thought about recently.

And I can’t really do anything about these…feelings at the moment and it’s torture. I dunno, it may sound petty or even foolish to feel this way for someone who lives that far away. But stranger things have happened. Like Kenny G actually having fans. Hopefully, eventually I’ll be able to sort this out and find a way to relocate to be closer to her. In the meantime…this just sucks.