I haven’t socialized much lately. Actually the last time I remember hanging out with a friend was with Holly and that was at my place. Which was….September/October-ish? I’m ‘comfortable’, but not really comfortable in what I’m doing. Actually I realize that what I’m doing is cutting out people and that’s crap. I need to do more and I realize this. But as far as being ‘comfortable’ goes, I’m getting too used to staying inside. There’s a lesson here somewhere: don’t be lazy. I’m no longer a basket case with anxiety and such, but I’m not getting ‘better’ by just staying inside. So, I’m going to change that, I need to get out of doing this. It’s not healthy and I realize that.

Still, I feel…shades of anxiety every now and then. Like I’ll be talking and a certain thought creeps in into the silence and I get kinda anxious-ish, but on the whole not so much lately. I think I’m waiting for this arbitrary point to start doing things again and I don’t know if it’s going to get here. So, that’s not working out for me. Instead I’m going to start making myself really uncomfortable and hopefully it won’t blow up in my face. I don’t know how many people who probably will read this will ‘get it’ but, there’s always a hope. And that’s what I’ve been holding onto since high school: hope that things turn out well, a hope that I won’t always be like I am. And to an extent I’m not. I don’t know what I am at this point or who I am completely, but I see things I like.

I focus on my body too much. Well, not as in I’m a fitness freak, I’m not. I wish I were, but anyway, little aches and pains to me become big explosions within my body to me. Then I get to thinking, “Why do I have them?” And the funny thing about the mind is that a little knowledge about medicine (mostly learned through reading books on the subject) can create all sorts of wild thoughts. Some highlights:

“Oh, my arm feels numb and tingly, must be a heart attack. I’m going to die any moment.”

“I have a really bad headache so I must have a tumor. Or worse, maybe I’m having a stroke.”

“My foot’s tingle, my stomach aches, I feel some pressure in my chest, and my arm’s numb. I’m dying. It’s going to happen. Oh fuck oh fuck.”

Generally these sorts of thoughts are not productive and I see that now, but my boredom kept me thinking that way and a little bit of, “Why is this happening to me?” If I were thinking rationally about these thoughts I could see which each of them were and I wouldn’t have any panic attacks. See, I’m dominantly left handed because I was born with my umbilical cord wrapped around my neck which seems to have caused a ’stroke-like’ affect on my right arm. I can hardly use it for normal things. So, everything I do involves my left hand. Use a mouse it’s my left hand, catch a baseball and it’s my left hand, pick something up and that involves my left hand. This causes a lot of pain and damage over time, apparently.

The other things like the pressure in my chest is mainly from the acid reflux and I get tension headaches frequently most likely from looking at the computer too much. All of these things are very logically explained and if I took a second to think about it I could calm myself. But panic and anxiety rarely work that way. At least with me. In the moment these thoughts are disorganized and then they crystalize into something life-threatening which causes more panic. It’s a certainty that has no real basis for it. I’m seeing all of this now and you might call it stupid that I haven’t seen it sooner, but I think unless you’ve actually been through it then you’ll never really no how you’d react. I’ve tried rationally working things out before and no real luck sometimes.

Anyway, I think I’ve got some positive momentum right now with regards to this particular anxiety and am slowly building up steam now. I haven’t been focusing on my body as much and it’s helping a great deal to keep me from panicking. Time will tell on this, but I think I’m making more progress now than I made even a year ago.

I feel like I’m dead and I just don’t know it. No, not in a gothic  kind of way. More like…I can feel bits of my life gradually fading and I’m struggling against it and I don’t know how to fix it. Does that make sense? It seems like the more I’ve dropped out of my life the more I’ve lost parts of myself that I felt genuinely were ‘me’. I haven’t designed anything in weeks and I have no ideas lately. Even half-bad ones I’m lacking. And driving…forget that, I haven’t been in my car in weeks–months maybe. I’ve ceased being ’special’ and now I’m just…existing. And I’d change all of this except I don’t know how.

I don’t know which side I want to ‘fix’ first and I’m trying to do it all and losing it. I just haven’t felt it. I…am a corpse, with a few synapses firing, apparently. And I need to stop it. I want to stop it. I must stop it. Fuck, how do people get past this stuff? How do they get past anxiety to be much more…complete? I don’t feel depressed anymore. Is that it? Was I more…’me’ when I was depressed? Am I just lazy? I have too many questions and not enough answers. Supposedly that makes me wise on some level. Well, fuck that. I don’t want to be wise. I just want to be me again.

I’ve come to the conclusion that if I’m ever feeling the need to share my knowledge with anyone that I need to write it down in a 500 page manual detailing every bit that could go wrong or will go wrong, or what to do. I can’t take it when people move…sooo…..slllllooooowwww….I have an infinite patience when it comes to a lot of things, but detailing something for a friend or relative drives me daffy.

You could say that I’m just being an ass and that ‘not everyone picks things up as easily’ and you might be right. But that still doesn’t change the fact that when I try to explain technical stuff to people that when they go slow, I can feel myself aging. Really.

My mind usually has fifty other things rolling around in it and adding one more fills it to capacity so that it’s no longer a loony bin with some order; instead it turns into a monkey exhibit with the monkeys rubbing shit all over the walls. It’s just annoying.

I’d love to be able to help people, but when they go slow it just drags my thought process down and I snap. I should probably get that looked at. It’s also probably why I have so much anxiety about everything. And if I’m not anxious about it yet, I soon will be. Where was I? Oh yes, too many thoughts going on. It keeps me up at night as well. Not all nights, but when I have a really good idea or thought it’s been known to drag me into daylight hours.

So, I don’t know how many people who know me will read this, but if you do and if you ever need technical advice….don’t come to me. It’s just an exercise in frustration. Thank you.