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Fading

October 25, 2007

I’m writing this to hopefully vent my fears and frustrations from the last few weeks. Hopefully to understand what’s going on.

I haven’t really been enjoying myself since…well…mid-June. My father started having these attacks that raised his blood pressure and the first time really scared me because I thought he was having a heart attack. Even he was convinced that he was having one. Next thing my car’s transmission went up and I was without a car until August. I ended up paying $2000 back to my aunt. And thoroughly hating my summer.

Then the day before my birthday my grandfather died. And a couple of days before that I had pneumonia that lasted into my birthday. As the month went on my father continued having attacks and even spent about a week in the hospital being checked out. In the beginning of August we moved to a townhouse and I started vegging out really badly for whatever reason, even after getting my car back.

This isn’t to say that my summer was all bad, there were some bright spots which included passing a math class I needed to take. But overall it was pretty bad. Toward the last week of August I started having these weird panic attacks for whatever reason. It felt like I couldn’t breathe one morning (this was after my father had another attack). Then I was diagnosed with a sinus infection which lasted for about 3 1/2 weeks.

And recently the congestion from the sinus infection doesn’t seem to want to go away. Which left me frustrated to the point of crying. I’m feeling somewhat better, but in the last couple of weeks I’ve been watching the news and they’ve been reporting on MRSA (antibiotic resistant staph infection). They make it seem like you could get this anywhere and now I’ve been having real bad hypochondria attacks. I think I’m even starting to become a quasi-germophobe.

Now I’ve been crying off and on for the past few weeks. Partly out of frustration and partly for irrational fears. I don’t know when this is going to end, but I feel like I’m disappearing and being replaced by the blubbering shell of a person I used to be. I can’t focus, I can’t stay concentrated on my school work, and I’m starting to fall behind as a result.

I’ve been having few moments where I resemble the person I feel I used to be, but those are becoming rarer as I keep getting worse. I’m constantly fearing germs and fearing for my own health (despite my own physical appearance). Tonight I get a sleep study and I’m considering not going because of anxiety over my health and being in an unfamiliar place. I really don’t know what to do at this point. I’m trying therapy and hopefully that helps. But yeah, I’m not in a good place right now and things just seem to be deteriorating.

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