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My Neurosis

April 5, 2008

I don’t know how I should put this or how I can convey to anyone what I’m saying in a concise manner so I’m just gonna wing it and we’ll see how things go from there. I climbed out of this black hole I made for myself in the fall and I feel myself slipping occasionally. Most of the time it’ll come from the most innocuous of places I never would have thought of and it’s hard to steady myself again once it’s over. I’ll get a thought in my head like so:

“Why’s my left arm hurt? Oh, I’m dying, I’m having a heart attack. What if I’m not? What if I need to have it amputated? You know,my shoulders hurt, ditto to my neck. Maybe I have meningitis. I have a cut on my foot. Shit, I hope I don’t get MRSA. Shit, I really hope I don’t get MRSA. I’m likely to die, knowing my luck.”

And it’s a constant repetition of those kind of thoughts that keeps me from doing any thing. I actually become afraid of doing any thing for fear of those kind of things happening. Call it whatever you want, but that shit’s poison. Worse than cyanide. At least you’ll die easily with that. With this, you just sort of stop living and end up hating yourself for feeling that way. So, I came back from that kind of behavior during the winter, but I still have episodes. Not constantly like last time, but more than I’d like.

I’m really at a loss for what to do about this, because I don’t want to go to a doctor if I can help it. And I know that I can control it sometimes. Most of the time, actually, but every now and then when I let my guard down it slips in and takes hold for a while until I…er…reassert myself. I think I know the cause, too. But I don’t know how to fix that either. You see I have a lot of dislike for myself and while I’m getting over that I still have things that I keep thinking about that keep me from progressing to where I want to be. And it scares me.

So, I have to deal with that. I’ll expound on some of my self-hate a little later. But I’ve got to deal with this stuff and I don’t know what to do at this point except that whenever I start thinking that way I assure myself I am fine. That usually helps to a point. Until I start convincing myself something is wrong. Well, that’s all I want to say on this. I’ll deal with it more, later. Right now I’m gonna jot down some ideas for my next strip.

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