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Hide And Seek

May 29, 2008

I took a creative writing class a few years back and the book that our professor wanted us to buy was: All I Really Need To Know I Learned In Kindergarten. I’ve never read the whole book all the way through. I find passages I like and can relate to and I read them. My favorite is ‘Hide And Seek’. I think that resonates with me because I’ve been ‘hiding’ well from everyone and everything. I have no social life and at this point in my life I think I could die and no one would notice. At least not until years later or so. Maybe that’s just my own cynicism.

I think about myself every day and how I wish I were different; how things could have been different for me, at how little I’ve done with myself outside of school. And it makes me sad–no, fucking depressed. The problem is that I’ve gotten so…used to this pattern that it’s really hard for me to change it. And every year my shut-in mentality gets worse. It’s like being phased out of existence a little bit at a time, only not as fast. First your social life goes, then your emotions, and eventually your sanity. Like so: I’ll often feel an ache and think that I’m dying or I’ve got some major disease. That it’s incurable. I’m very certain I’ll die soon. Etc.

Crazy stuff, I know, but that’s what’s happened to me. I don’t know how to get out of it. I can’t think straight and I lose memories, which I’ve heard isn’t that uncommon if you’ve got a lot of anxiety. So, the ‘Hide And Seek’ part I definitely can relate to, but the problem is actually getting ‘found’. I try and I usually fail or some other calamity happens that makes me wanna give-up. Or my own insecurities make me so insecure that I act awkwardly around people or say stupid stuff. I dunno…it’s a mess and I struggle every day to sort it out but once I think I’ve got a handle on things then something else happens.

I’m becoming my father, actually. He reminisces about his childhood and how he loved it and such. And I don’t want to be that person whose ‘best years’ are so far behind him that I end up not living and just….give up on having a life. I think I’m headed that way and as I said: no clue about how to deal with it. I’m only 25 for cripes sake. I shouldn’t be thinking like this yet I do.

I come back to this: There’s no quick fixes in life and everything takes work, even sorting yourself out, but what happens when you don’t believe that you can be sorted out?

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