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Where to begin…

June 9, 2008

For about a year now I’ve been having anxiety attacks. Just sharp, sudden outbursts; it used to be contained to just my house and now it’s creeping out into the outside world. I cry, I feel faint, my body feels weak, my heart starts to race, and I feel like I’m going to die–no, I’m certain I am going to die. At least when they happen.

These all started the last week of August before this monster semester of college that I setup for myself. During that summer my father was having blood pressure spikes, my car broke down, I had pneumonia, and my grandfather died within days of my birthday. My life was spiraling downward in what should have been one of the best times I was gonna have. I was graduating in the spring and I was finally becoming very good as a graphic designer.

The first attack came after I was home for a while and my left leg started tingling. I shrugged it off, but it persisted, I brought in some groceries and my heart felt like it was racing. I felt faint, dizzy, anxious, I yelled at my father to get me to the hospital. I thought I was having a heart attack. Turns out this was the first in a long, long series of anxiety attacks. Time passed and I kept crying and having fits, every ache and pain became magnified into a life-threatening illness. It wasn’t until about January when I felt somewhat normal again. And for a time they went away and sometimes I’d cry, but nothing really to worry about.

Lately they’ve been intruding on my life again, I was diagnosed with gastritis recently and I don’t know if the anxiety caused it or just my poor diet. Probably both. I have tendinitis in both of my shoulders from excessive computer use. I keep looking up symptoms online and seeing if they match up. And if they do I usually think I’ve got that illness or there might be a chance that I’ve got it.

And now I see myself dying almost every day. I’ve probably ‘died’ hundreds of thousands of times over the last year. My social life is in the crapper and I have way too much time to think about what’s wrong with me, and I have friends, but I don’t see them very often. And now this anxiety is transferring over to my driving.

I’m at my wit’s end and I don’t know what to do to get myself out of this place. I used to be at least normal, if not happy. Now I just see death and nothing positive about my life. If anyone out there has any suggestions I’ll gladly take them because I’m just about out of solutions for myself.

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