Skip to content

Nightmare Passing complete

July 28, 2008

I never really elaborated on this. You all know what’s been happening with me and everything, but lately I’ve been feeling a lot better. More relaxed. Comfortable you could say. And my stomach’s been doing a lot better. Any way, I went to the doctor a couple of weeks ago (going on 3 woohoo!) and he checked out my heart and such and reassured me of everything. And it all clicked. It never had before, but that last time really solidified in my mind and I started thinking about the positives. I focused on that instead of the pain. And the pains went away.

At least mostly. I still feel them but they don’t freak me out as much. And then I went on a Dead Like Me binge and I thought about a line from that show about thinking about the stuff you like. I realized that that’s what had kept me going before. Not that tv shows are some untapped wisdom. But every now and then they give little truths about our lives. For me it was that.

Rube: You like spaghetti, George? I like spaghetti. I like board games. I like grabbing a trifecta with that longshot on top. That ozone smell you get from air purifiers. And I like knowing the space between my ears is immeasurable. Mahler’s first, Bernstein conducting. You’ve got to think about all the things you like and decide whether they’re worth sticking around for. And if they are, you’ll find a way to do this.
George: And what if I don’t?
Rube: Then you go away, and you don’t get to like anything anymore.

I lost my perspective, as it were. And I wasn’t focusing on things that I liked or that I liked about myself. When you begin to do that it starts to weigh you down. You feel like your body weighs 800lbs and you can barely move. Or at least that’s how it felt for me. I felt so drained. Everything wore me down. I realized that it was all from burnout. I didn’t come to this realization until the feelings of anxiety became fleeting to almost non-existent.

So, I’m giving myself time off to think and to rebuild myself mentally as I took quite a bit of a shock to the system this past year and things that I thought were solidified in my mind weren’t. I thought my psyche was stronger than it was, but it wasn’t. One thing set off a whole chain reaction that blew it apart. I think I need to build up a better defense for the next time something like this happens. Which I’m working on. I’d also like to thank the friends who stuck by me while I was going through this. Your help and your confidence in me was much appreciated.

Advertisements
No comments yet

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: