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Hiding Out

September 15, 2008

I feel I’m hiding out and I’m not sure why. Maybe it’s the gastritis that’s making me feel like utter crap the more if acts up. To be sure, it is going away, but very slowly. And I don’t think my attitude on the matter is helping things. I’m actually starting to resent people who aren’t feeling this pain. I feel like I was robbed. Robbed of something, my dignity perhaps? My sanity? Something and I’m not sure why I feel this way, just that I do feel this way and I hate every damned moment of it.

Yes, things were getting better and then I mucked it again and now I feel like crap again. So, a cycle and I cannot break it. Well, I can, but it’s just…too hard. Maybe I’m afraid of failure, but whatever the case may be I just can’t seem to stay focused. I stay inside way too much for various reasons and I’m not sure if the reasons are real or fabricated. Not fabricated in the, “I’m making shit up,” kind of way, but that I’m using them as excuses to do nothing. The thought has occurred to me.

I’ll start feeling better then some ache or pain will snatch that feeling away and I’ll be left alone again to wallow in my own misery. I don’t know how to keep this from happening. Like right now my head feels stuffy and I’m thinking all sorts of bad reasons for it. Mostly fatal stuff. I really don’t know where I get this from and I try blocking it out but the more I fight the worse it gets until it leaves me a broken shell of someone who–for all intents and purposes–is healthy, but thinks that he isn’t. Does that seem strange?

I’m going to try physical activity tomorrow and see if maybe it’s my metabolism telling me to wake the hell up. It probably is, because the more I lay about the worse I feel and the worse I feel the more anxious I feel, rinse and repeat, really. I guess I’ll go now. I need to sleep, but I probably won’t do that for another 45 minutes.

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