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May 8, 2009

I feel like I’m dead and I just don’t know it. No, not in a gothic  kind of way. More like…I can feel bits of my life gradually fading and I’m struggling against it and I don’t know how to fix it. Does that make sense? It seems like the more I’ve dropped out of my life the more I’ve lost parts of myself that I felt genuinely were ‘me’. I haven’t designed anything in weeks and I have no ideas lately. Even half-bad ones I’m lacking. And driving…forget that, I haven’t been in my car in weeks–months maybe. I’ve ceased being ‘special’ and now I’m just…existing. And I’d change all of this except I don’t know how.

I don’t know which side I want to ‘fix’ first and I’m trying to do it all and losing it. I just haven’t felt it. I…am a corpse, with a few synapses firing, apparently. And I need to stop it. I want to stop it. I must stop it. Fuck, how do people get past this stuff? How do they get past anxiety to be much more…complete? I don’t feel depressed anymore. Is that it? Was I more…’me’ when I was depressed? Am I just lazy? I have too many questions and not enough answers. Supposedly that makes me wise on some level. Well, fuck that. I don’t want to be wise. I just want to be me again.

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