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Forgiveness And Acceptance

October 15, 2009

This occupies a lot of my thoughts and it always has, because I remember every fuck up and mistake and i keep berating myself for them. I wonder if it’ll ever end or get to a point where I let these things go. Recently I asked for forgiveness from someone and have yet to get a reply. So, I’m guessing that’s a ‘no’. And it really bugs me. All I wanted was my friend back or even some semblance of normalcy, but it’s not to be. And I’ll be 80 with a wispy grey beard and will still think about it.

Does anyone else besides me do this to themselves? I ask, because I feel kind of…stupid. Or having an inability to drop things. If you listen to my mother she would say that that’s true. But aren’t you supposed to retain things? That’s really all you are is a collection of memories and experiences and if you let every thing go then you’re essentially giving up on who you are as a person. You’re not…enjoying it. Or learning. You’re just there. A blank piece of paper.

So are you better served if you retain things–even bad memories–or are you just a loser hanging onto things? I feel both ways about this. In my darker moments I’d call myself a loser, but when it comes down to it I think I’m grateful for having experienced some of these things. But other times…I just dwell on them and wish things had been different.

Which brings me to the other theme that occupies my mind: acceptance. This is something I was never good at and I don’t think I ever will be. I could never accept myself for who I am. And I could never accept my talents or that anyone liked me or…anything. I could never just accept things or truisms about myself and I always strived to do things ‘right’ and ‘proper’ and if I didn’t I usually never saw it as worth doing. Make sense? Probably not. I think I care less about ‘right’ and ‘proper’ these days than I used to, but every now and then it’ll crop up again and I become stymied by it as it leads to indecision.

So I freeze and then it creates more regret and bad memories. Wow…what a shitty cycle. I really am curious as to if there’s anyone out there who acts like this. I ask for two reasons 1) it makes me feel less alone and if I’m not alone then it is possible to beat this and 2) if you have beaten this…thing, how’d you do it? I know everyone has their own little tricks but specifics would be nice as I’m kind of clueless about it. Be sure that this stuff doesn’t hinder my life; it just makes things more difficult when it comes time to act or not act.

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3 Comments leave one →
  1. October 16, 2009 12:00 am

    I can relate to this entry! I think you are too hard on yourself! If this “friend” doesn’t respect you enough to graciously accept your apology and just get on with it; they are pretty damn selfish!!! I carry my heart on my sleeve and feel so responsible for so much! It’s pretty lonely in this world. Snuggle up and just accept the “friend” for who they are and remember that time is the best antidote for sadness!

    • October 16, 2009 12:17 am

      Thank you. A lot of stuff happened between us that probably made things more difficult now. And I certainly didn’t help at the time, but it’s been almost 10 years. Sooo….

      And thank you. I always am harder on myself. It’s probably why I have so much anxiety.

  2. October 16, 2009 7:01 pm

    Well hopefully “they” realize that people grow up within a “10 year” span and sometimes we have to swallow our pride and forget in order to forgive. And to be grown up adults, us humans have to be humble and that is a difficult virtue to attain. That’s what seperates the men from the boys!

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