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Comfortably Gone

November 16, 2009

I haven’t socialized much lately. Actually the last time I remember hanging out with a friend was with Holly and that was at my place. Which was….September/October-ish? I’m ‘comfortable’, but not really comfortable in what I’m doing. Actually I realize that what I’m doing is cutting out people and that’s crap. I need to do more and I realize this. But as far as being ‘comfortable’ goes, I’m getting too used to staying inside. There’s a lesson here somewhere: don’t be lazy. I’m no longer a basket case with anxiety and such, but I’m not getting ‘better’ by just staying inside. So, I’m going to change that, I need to get out of doing this. It’s not healthy and I realize that.

Still, I feel…shades of anxiety every now and then. Like I’ll be talking and a certain thought creeps in into the silence and I get kinda anxious-ish, but on the whole not so much lately. I think I’m waiting for this arbitrary point to start doing things again and I don’t know if it’s going to get here. So, that’s not working out for me. Instead I’m going to start making myself really uncomfortable and hopefully it won’t blow up in my face. I don’t know how many people who probably will read this will ‘get it’ but, there’s always a hope. And that’s what I’ve been holding onto since high school: hope that things turn out well, a hope that I won’t always be like I am. And to an extent I’m not. I don’t know what I am at this point or who I am completely, but I see things I like.

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