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Taking Risks

March 6, 2010

I’ve never been too good at taking risks. To say I was risk adverse would be an understatement. This isn’t to say that I’ve never taken any sort of risks, but I stay away from the big risks (or the risks that should be ‘big’ in my life: getting a job, attempting to have a relationship, flying on a plane (I’ll admit that’s stretching it). But you get the picture. Things that should matter to me I’ve never been good at taking a risk with and it’s been this way my entire life.

Even as a kid I was kind of a wuss, I just could never put myself out there in any meaningful way and whenever I think of these things, of the things I’ve missed out on, of the things I’ve not done it gives me a twinge of sadness and regret. I’d like to say that these things don’t stick to me, but they do. See, I’m cursed with a very vivid memory and I remember each and every time I’ve never taken a chance or have not done something I should’ve done. I’ll be sitting down and a stray thought comes to mind and I end up cursing myself for it and on some things that are 15 years old. It just never ends.

So, what do I do? I mask it. Or I mask my pain as best as possible; sometimes it’ll slip out, but for the most part I’m tightly wound emotionally to the point I feel like snapping. And oftentimes I’ll even picture myself snapping and all, but never do it. I think that’s what these last two years have taught me: not to be so introverted. Yet I still am. And I’m trying to change things, but it’s kind of difficult. Old habits dying hard and whatnot.

It really does feel like a ton of weight on my mind a lot of times and I escape it by making inappropriate jokes or trying to take my mind off of it, but most of the time it’s there lurking in the background. I’d liken it to static: it’s ever-present and sometimes it’s louder than other times and it drowns out my thoughts. If that makes sense. That’s constantly there whether I want it to be or not. Even as I type this it’s there. Ergh…

I don’t know which is worse: that it’s there or that it frustrates me to the point of inaction. I think it’s both. I hate that I just can’t let go of things and I hate that while I want do to things that it’s there to remind me of things and I end up not doing it. Like the whole driving thing, which I’m overcoming, but it’s still kind of present there as well.

The biggest defeat in all of this melodrama in my head, though, is that I’m honestly clueless as to how to rid myself of this. I’ve tried several times and I think I make some progress, but then something comes along to remind me of other things and then I’m back to square one. Fortunately I can still laugh at all of this and it makes things bearable. It still sucks and I hate it although I accept it as part of myself and just deal. I guess that’s one way to deal with a shitty situation.

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