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Mourning…Yourself…

March 23, 2010

I read a comment tonight (one of the few comments I’ve received) and that reminded me I need to write about this. Okay, the title may seem weird, but bear with me (or is it bare?) while I get this out.

A couple of years ago I broke, I’d broken before, but this time it just seemed permanent. I withdrew from my life completely and was depressed/anxious most of the time. I don’t know why, but it happened and I think it was probably a good thing. Granted, I am still suffering from its effects a little, but those are going away. I entered this year in recovery from whatever broke me. I think the stress did it and coupled with my negative perceptions it kind of drug me lower and lower to the depths of where even I didn’t think it could go. It’s a weird thing to lose control of yourself like it–you, essentially cease to be who you were and instead are this shadow of yourself.

Honestly, I didn’t have much much self-worth and I’m still struggling with that, but my attitude has become a lot less cynical and a lot less…hardened. I don’t take the cynical approach much these days and I tend to hate it when I see it in other people. That’s probably not healthy, but I see what pessimism and cynicism does to people and I just don’t want other people feeling that way. It’s just such a hard way to live; you constantly think the worst in people and in my experience no one is ever given a fair chance. Ever. And that’s how it was for me. After being disappointed by so many people I came to expect the worst in people.

I forgot the biggest part of myself in all of that, though: hope. That’s always been a big part of my life philosophy, I always hope things will get better and that things won’t always be as bad. And as cynical as I’d become that was the little bit of light in my life. I kind of lost my way with that and paid the price for it. Or at least that’s how I see it. I’ve learned a lot about myself these last couple of years, I’ve learned that I’m not as strong as I thought I was, but I never needed to be strong, just not this hard-edged cynic with a bad attitude. That sometimes you need life to knock you on your ass and let you know you’re alive. Or…not alive in my case.

Yeah, that’s another thing, I never lived too much before now. I never had an appreciation for things and the people I call my friends. I mean, I did in a way, but only to the extent that I’d allow them in my life. That’s it. I took a lot for granted and now I’m not. I think this is a better ‘me’ than existed before. I know I speak like this other side of myself was another person…but it was, for the most part. I wasn’t happy and I didn’t think I ever could be happy. It sucked! But not now, now I’m taking in everything I can and trying to enjoy myself. I know I’m still not out of the proverbial woods yet, but I’m getting there and I’m much better off for it. And for that I am very thankful and very fortunate.

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