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For Appearances’ Sake

July 5, 2010

I’ve often thought about people who pretend to be happy when they’re not and I’ve always wondered why they bother pretending at all. I guess it never really occurred to me that maybe if you act happy that it’ll rub off on you internally and then you’ll be happy. I guess we all do that and if we ever did stop to think about things that we’d probably be crying every day. It makes sense that this behavior is a coping mechanism of sorts for unhappiness, but I think it comes from an unrealistic expectation that our society instills that if you act happy therefore you are happy and if you act sad then you’re sad.

I wish I were that way that I could wear a mask of happiness every day, because it’d probably change my disposition a bit, but I don’t. I can’t even feign happiness or normalcy anymore. My mask hath shattered and I don’t know if I’m getting a replacement any time soon. That really bugs me because I used to be mostly care-free or at least tolerable when bad things happen. Now when a funky sensation happens I tend to get real anxious and my whole life revolves around that little sensation. That shit really, really bugs me to the extreme. And I’d change it, but I don’t know how. Maybe I just have way too much time on my hands and my thoughts tend to be on the fantastical and the worrisome. Usually both at the same time.

I also wonder how healthy it is for our society to promote fear as a way of living and you see it everywhere: our media finds something that’s going to kill you….IN YOUR OWN HOME! Or they rote off some meaningless statistic or half-truth and then expect you to connect the dots. And if you’re a hypochondriac like me you end up thinking you have it. Or if they’re not scaring you where you live they’re scaring you about the environment and how it’s the end of the woooorrrrrrld! Or some other fear. Then to calm you down even further they have lawyer commercials trying to scare you and they have prescription drug companies trying to convince you to buy their shit.

Is this living? Are we really living anymore or are we paralyzed in a shell of fear from the people and society around us? I guess if the 50’s were the age of repression as far as your emotions and mental state were concerned then the 21st century is the era of over-emotionality and over-terrifying. And I think we have convinced ourselves that if there’s not something wrong with us then we’re not really being human. Sadly, I think I’ve bought into this mentality and it has become a detriment. I do want to be rid of baseless fear and start living, but I can’t. Or I should say I won’t. Not because I want to be this way, but because I’ve been this way for so long that I don’t think I can change it. Or maybe I can.

Remember the Captain Planet saying, “The power is yours!” That’s a nice sentiment and all, but I do not feel that way. I feel powerless to change the way things are shaping up and I stare at it every day and wonder if this will be the day I change for the better. Ugh…I think I’m depressing myself by just writing this, but yeah…I live the life of quiet desperation and feel trapped and overly committed to being stuck this way. Not committed in the sense that I desire it…more…I’m growing to accept the ‘new’ me. And that’s a horrible prospect if there ever was one.

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2 Comments leave one →
  1. July 6, 2010 4:24 am

    You really want to know what I think… life’s too short for this shit. Maybe you need a distraction, a hobby, something that gives your life meaning. Frankly, I got a whole bunch “happier” once I became a parent because it forced me to stop focusing on my pathetic life of self pity.

    I for one am not scared and I don’t fall prey to the hype. I’m not sure why you do. You can see through the bullshit but you still buy into it. Why?

    • July 6, 2010 9:01 am

      I don’t know why I do it. I think because I have time to think about things too much and it bothers me. I’ve always been a little bit of a hypochondriac, but as time has gone on it’s gotten worse. And with so much time to think then it just grinds me down.

      And having a kid…now there’s a thought. I can impart on them my neurotic behavior. 😀 Okay, that sounded bad. But yeah…don’t think that’s gonna be happening any time soon.

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