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Cowardice And The Peen

July 6, 2010

I’m both simultaneously attracted to women and deathly afraid of them. Well, more the rejection by them than anything else. I think I’ve talked about this before, but it’s a big topic on my mind at all time. See, I turn 28 on Thursday and I’ve never had a girlfriend, a date, or sex. Yes, I’m not ashamed of either of these facts. I have made-out and sort of did a handtastic job on one. Doop di doo…and that’s about it. I don’t know, I can’t take rejection and I don’t know how to get over it.

I guess they can sense I don’t like myself? I don’t know. I’ve never really put myself out there but on a few occasions and each time has ended with a ‘no.’ It kinda kills the ego when you’re told no quite a bit. Oh but then I have found a few who do say yes, but they end up being the clingy type that I despise. And there’s still one that likes me–‘adores’ me. And she’s clingy too, also doesn’t get hints, isn’t what I’m looking for anymore, and is all-around annoying to me. But I’m too nice to tell her to shove ahoy. There was a point, very recently, where I’d resigned myself to a ‘this is it’ feeling. Good thing that passed in a hurry, because if that’s it then kill me now.

I still don’t get it, though, I mean…I’ve seen bad looking guys with incredible women before and I just wonder how. I mean…I guess I’m funny and I’m definitely intelligent, but nope…always passed over. And always passed over by people who mean something to me. It’s confusing and annoying and I’d really love to fucking quit, but I’m a masochist and men are just stupid. So I’ve got two things going against me. Well, two that I know of.

My friend told me once, “If you don’t put yourself out there then you’ll never find anyone,” and that’s true, you do need to do that, but it’s hard to do when you fear you’re always going to be rejected on sight. Then there’s this girl who I used to sort of be interested in a little bit, but not all that much. Dunno about her or how to get rid of her. She doesn’t seem to get hints very well and it really bugs me that I’m unable to say, “Go away, not interested.” Maybe it’s because I’ve never been put in the position of being the one doing the rejecting. And I know she’s going to be angry. Another musing, my friend, Holly, doesn’t get the whole fearful of being angry bit. She doesn’t get why someone would get angry over being rejected. I guess that makes sense as sadness I could understand, but anger just seems odd. Still..I’m going to have to answer for why I didn’t say otherwise a long time ago.

Anyway, this whole situation feels like an albatross hanging on my neck and I’m really at a loss as to how to change my current situation and tell someone I’m not interested in them. The dejected feeling isn’t new, but having to crush someone is. And I’ve never been good at being the crusher. Otherwise I would have done it a long time ago.

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