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The Wishing Well–I Wish I Could Have…

July 10, 2010

Mama's Losin' It

This writing prompt particularly interested me so here goes:

I wish I could’ve been more honest with my high school crush. I knew this girl, Alexis, who really stimulated my mind and my thoughts and influenced my life. She was the first person I’d ever really been attracted to in my young-adult life. And every time I saw her I wished I could’ve told her everything. Still do, actually. I know it seems silly and sad, but I can’t be honest with the person I have feelings for. Mainly because they terrify me. Or…the chance of rejection terrifies me and thus I never say anything. At least until it’s too late or no longer matters.

I still do that, really, and it’s just like the first time every time that it happens. And it happens quite frequently. Man, I’m a coward. And I’d change this if I could, but I tend to retreat when the big battle arrives—so to speak. Anyway, I pined over her my entire time in high school and never said a word. Apparently it became a running joke as she knew about it and still never mentioned it. I could hold that against her, but then I see it the same way: A running joke.

I tore myself up and I never did anything about it and it still stares me in the face as I am facebook friends with her so I’m always reminded of my cowardice, of my inability to say a word except to the people who didn’t matter and never cared. I doubt she’d ever have said yes or even if she did say anything it would be, “You’re a nice guy, but…” And I really didn’t want to hear that at the time and I still don’t. It’s a meaningless gesture to me. A way to politely let someone down without actually having to make a commitment to a decision.

I do think this is a part of why I hate myself so much now, too. I think about shit that doesn’t matter now, but mattered then and wonder why I never did anything about it. Anyway, painful memory, but ‘eh…I have much worse things to remember.

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