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Melancholy Is For Suckers

December 9, 2010

The best way I can describe being alone at this point is like falling into a void of my own thoughts. Or at least most of the negative thoughts one can have at the moment. I’m 28 and going to be 29 in July and perpetually single. And even when I do find someone I fancy I manage to screw it up or if they’re attracted to me I find some deeply personal flaw about them for why I shouldn’t be interested in them no longer. Sometimes the feeling is right and my reaction to it is correct and other times it’s not.

That’s the problem with being single. Or at least the problem I’ve found for myself with being single: I want to be with someone so bad that it hurts, but at the same time I cannot stand being too connected to a person or too grounded. It’s an odd contradiction that I haven’t been able to work out. Maybe the idea of being single is more attractive to me than I thought. Maybe I like feeling this pain and feel like I deserve it for whatever reason. Maybe I’ve wrapped my whole identity into the concept of FIDo Almighty: Perpetual Loser.

I find that idea silly and a bit laughable, but it does have its own merits. I mean, I do attribute a lot of my negative attitude to being single and I do like being the bitter type (as much as I hate that). But what else is there? I used to be the guy with the funky colored hair and I thought I was developing my own aesthetics in design until I found that most people have already done it (not that I’m complaining). So, maybe my identity is wrapped up and self-absorbed into being lonely and any attempt to change that is rife with opposition, at least in my head.

Anyway, as people claim ‘notes should have a point’ here’s the point, asshole:  Why do I hate being alone yet I find ways to keep myself that way? My psychologist would say that these are rationalizations and the reason why they work is because they’re true. If that’s the case and I am rationalizing all of this then isn’t that the truth about myself? Now there’s a bit of a mind-bender. At any rate, hopefully I can solve this soon because I hate it and I hate myself for being this way. Which leads to more self-loathing which leads to more of me hating my situation and so on and so on.

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