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Always Connected

March 13, 2011

When I first started getting online waaay back in 96/97 I kept staying on the computer because it was fun, interesting, and allowed me to chat with people in far off places like…Canada (I kid). Now that I’m older and I’ve gotten into a groove that fits and it’s become a routine I’ve found I’m liking being online less and less. Having a Blackberry and iPhone have really opened my eyes to this sort of…intrusiveness. This ability for anyone to message me, contact me, or get at me from anywhere I go. Sure, it’s fun. But I dunno, this novelty is sort of wearing thin on me.

Let’s be clear: I cherish my friends, even the ones I’ve met online. Really. I do. I just feel like I don’t get a lot of ‘me’ time, even being at home all the fucking time I’m still not alone. Also, I don’t hate not being alone, being alone sucks. It truly does, but so does being messaged every day. Again, I don’t mind it usually, but now I notice myself cringing a little bit now.

I’d quit all this–facebook, AIM, message boards, etc. Except it’s become a habit, a routine, a substitute for any sort of social life since I’ve isolated myself really well from the outside world. I’m in the process of changing that, of course, but at the moment if I cut all of these strings I’d lose a good chunk of my ‘life’. Sad, yes, but that’s what anxiety disorders tend to do.

So you see, it’s a conundrum. I hate it, but I also find it necessary. That and my friend Beth has promised to kill me if I delete my facebook.  While I do appreciate being able to keep up with my friends and with everything I’m kind of annoyed with the whole thing at the moment. It’s not very healthy and it sure isn’t helping me to become a better person.

I find myself becoming more annoyed and angry every day and that’s just not good. Not good for me, not good for the people that annoy me, and not good for my outlook. So, being online has become a ‘job’. A job that I dread and wish to escape from every day, but then get sucked back into and don’t know how to escape.

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