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I Have To Admit, I’m Not Happy

September 8, 2012

I try to put on this face of cheer and I try to mask my feelings, but in the end it always bubbles to the surface in the form of a panic attack: I’m not happy. And I don’t mean in the super-excited way, just that I’m not content with anything anymore. The more I try to deny it the worse I feel. I feel like something is eating away at me physically and emotionally and I don’t know what it is; I try to hold on real tight to myself in hopes that if I just ignore it it’ll go away and I can live in peace because that’s what I crave.

I live in Shitville, PA with no friends and nothing to do beyond watch tv, play video games, and…just flit my life away. And I’d change it if I could, but see I need structure and right now things aren’t very structured. No, see things are very much adrift and floating. I fill in one piece and something else happens. So I fill in that piece and there’s another leak. The kicker for me is hat thanks to all of these issues piling up I can’t drive very far, yes, me, the man that drove to Canada to see a friend cannot drive.

So not only am I bored to tears night after night I cannot even escape that which is oppressing me. You know, if I knew that two years ago this would’ve been a bad idea moving here I’d have said ‘hell no,’ but I didn’t and now I’m stuck in a rut with no means to escape said rut. I’d elaborate more, but the whole ordeal is so sad and pathetic I can’t verbalize it. So, enjoy the vague entry. I’m sure it’ll be a real head-scratcher.

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