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I’m A Coward

September 27, 2012

I never thought I was one and at one point I was rather proud of it–still am, mostly. It means never getting into useless fights and possibly dying. On the flip-side, though, it also means never having to make tough decisions, being lulled into a false sense of security, and just being miserable. I said before I’m not happy. And it’s not the asininity of what’s going on in my life, but also the fact that I hate myself.

Okay. I don’t hate myself. It’s been rendered meaningless. To paraphrase Dr. Cox, I mega-loathe myself. I never step up. I never put myself out there on the chance of getting disappointed. I don’t get the girl. I don’t get the flashy job. In my world–my story–I don’t live happily ever after. At least that’s what I keep telling myself.

However, I did have it pointed out to me that I must not mega-loathe myself as much as I thought as I don’t fall for stupid trends. I don’t watch vapid television. I don’t buy things because of trends. So there is some esteem there. It’s just not on the surface and it doesn’t always feel as if it’s there at all.

I guess when it comes down to it I’m just ambivalent and I’m tired of living in my own shadow and getting in my own way. I feel I deserve better. I feel like I should fight more. But how does one fight when they’ve been their own whipping boy for most of their life?

*I had a much more open version of this in my head and decided against it.

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