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High Schoooool

February 21, 2013

I’ve been out of high school for 12 years now so this isn’t a rant about how life is so unfair and OMG I’m going to kill myself. No, I want to talk about high school crushes or infatuations if ‘crush’ sounds a little too ‘girly’ for you. You see, one of the biggest regrets I have about that time in my life is that I wasn’t really honest with the girls I was attracted to and even to myself I lied a lot. Only my lies actually hurt me and my lies to them only hurt me as well so I was getting it coming and going.

My lies to them were

  • “No, I’m not attracted to you in that way.”
  • “Yes we’re just good friends.”

My lies to me were:

  • “I’m not good enough.”
  • “I’m too ugly.”
  • “Who would like me? (answer: no one)”

To an extent I still feel this way–I don’t ‘get the girl’ and I never have. But the genesis of this loserhood was born in those days where I convinced myself I was nothing, because I felt nothing for myself–I still feel nothing but great contempt for who I am most days and ‘meh’ for the rest. Why do I feel this way? Well, I know why: high school. But I think there’s something wrong with me because I’ve always felt that way. Isn’t there a reason for everything? I was taught that, “There’s a reason for everything,” they spout this aphorism as if it’s true. Oh yeah? Well I hate myself and think most people would be better off without me. Where’s the reason in that, huh?!

Back to crushes. I had a few and I’m still very good friends with them all (or acquaintances with some of them) and there’s one I had felt nothing for in a long, long time (maybe that’s a lie as well?) but I had one conversation with them recently and it sparked so much of what I felt back then. I remembered what truly drew me to them and when they announced to me that they had just broken up with their boyfriend I instantly thought there was an opening. Of course there isn’t one. That’s just what I tell myself to keep sadness at bay. Or maybe it’s not and it’s actually true. No one knows because I’ll likely never say anything about it to her (again!). So you do get two shots in a lifetime to feel depressed and miserable over the same person.

And what about the current women I fancy, yes I said women, because you’ve got to keep your options open and the pain at the maximum. What about them? Aren’t I better off now than I was then? Surely my attitudes have changed as I’ve gotten older and I’m in no way still that scared and miserable teenager from my youth, he’s dead. Isn’t he? Or maybe he’s like a twin fetus that never separates and just gets absorbed into the body like an amoeba would. Maybe he’s a zombie (I hate zombies) and he’s back from the dead to spread his misery with me all over again (that’s caring).

Trust me, I went over this all last night in my head about why I feel the way I do and if it was odd of me to feel that way and maybe I should lash myself for being so stupid. There’s that word again: stupid. I can only conclude I have my own shame to deal with still and judging by how not-socially active I am that I’m still in the doldrums of my own hatred to an extent. But I like me somewhat and somewhat tolerate my own behaviors even though I know they’re irrational. I’ve spent too many years comparing myself to others and not comparing me to me. The trouble is I never really liked myself up until this point and still only barely can fill my ‘like-o-meter’ to about halfway.

I don’t think anyone who’s been single their whole life because they don’t like themselves can ever truly like who they are. I don’t think. So far I haven’t had any success, but my journey’s not over; it’s only beginning, as they say. And I have a lot to say and a lot to feel and even if I never make it to that finish line where I can loudly and proudly say, “Yes! I like myself,” at least I’ll have great company in my friends who will always keep me sane.

2 Comments leave one →
  1. February 21, 2013 4:36 pm

    You are you and no-one else, don’t compare. Start thinking about all the good traits you have and try to fix the bad ones. Then, you will like yourself!

    • February 22, 2013 12:23 pm

      That would ideally be great except one downside to this equation–it involves me and I’ve never been great at not doing that. Some people can turn that side of their brain off or at least ignore it. For me I always do it because I strive to be more and to be better than I am and if someone is better than me I want to hunt them down, eat them, and take their power. Of course I’m joking on making them into Tuesday’s stew, but I think it perfectly describes the competitive nature of my brain.

      Oddly enough I’ve never been very competitive because I convince myself it’s not worth it (yeah, try untangling the short in those wires). I also hate a majority of whatever is popular at the moment and not because of some hipster, “I only do obscure things,” but because as I’ve gotten older I’ve seen our culture slowly lose its damn mind. And sorry this reply turned out to be longer than even your own reply to me. I have a bad habit of rambling when the thoughts spring forth from that great well in my mind that spews words like an overflowing toilet spews turds on the floor.

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