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Just Let Go…Man

February 24, 2013

I was told once that I calculate too much, that you can visibly see what I’m saying and that that is somehow bad. The sad fact here is that they may be right–that I do calculate too much, but it has kept me from making some very stupid choices in life like: I was lost after Otakon 2005 and went into a 7-11 and asked for directions out of the hellhole that is Baltimore city and this guy must’ve seen my badge and was like, “You wanna go buy some weed?” Well my calculator broke out behind my eyes and bingo-bango-bongo, I said no. Did this guy have weed? Maybe. Did I really want to get high? Hmm…debatable, I’d just had my first quasi-sexual experience in public, but nooo…I was feeling very high then. Why was this guy just randomly asking me if I wanted to buy weed? I’m pretty sure he wants to kill me. Okay. NO! I don’t want your weed, sir.

Now you’re saying to yourself, “FIDo, that is a very extreme example where calculation may have saved your life.” And you would be correct, but it’s still a perfect example. Of course my calculator sometimes spits out the wrong answer like when I tried smoking for a day. or telling someone to fuck off or like last night when I called this woman a cunt (I apologized). So this system isn’t perfect. I do think that it needs refinement and that it does weight shame a little too heavily. Especially when the frightened rodent part of my brain determines that, “Oh hell, I’m attracted to this person. Quickly! Reverse course. Show you’re not interested. Look at your phone. Shit, no one has sent anything in a while. Pretend you got something anyway. Abort! Abort Abort!”

As you can clearly see, my mind and me fight a daily struggle for sanity and what passes for normal behavior. I’m still iffy on whether I need to change that aspect about myself. And obviously I don’t always listen to it if you read my weed entry. However, I think I need to make the decisions a lot quicker and let the consequences get stuffed. It has kept me from enjoying myself and I think that’s where a lot of the anxiety originates because I get caught in this conflict between doing something and my brain screaming ‘NO!” at the top of its lungs (do brains have lungs? Brungs?) despite the risk/reward being a lot greater than I give it credit for being. No, you probably shouldn’t be doing this, but yes, you’ll probably enjoy it in the end because you’ll have a new experience to gauge all other experiences by and I like new experiences. That’s the thing. I’d go to a club with a friend or a nature hike or whatever, because I want those experiences.

I don’t want to be confined to a box where this is my world and that’s all that I’ll have. I don’t want to settle for crap. I just want to settle on enjoying myself as much as I can. Okay. Fuck it. I am saying this calculation deal is a bad thing, but how do you change 30 years of programming?

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