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Inconsequential Thoughts Of An Inconsequential Fear

February 26, 2013

I enter a room. In my mind I’m painting it as the worst of experiences maybe I’ll faint. Maybe I’ll have a panic attack. Maybe a heart attack or stroke. Shit. Stop thinking this way. You know it’s only your fear and anxiety. In my mind I’m seeing all of these worst case scenarios and how they’ll play out; I feel the pains and the movements and how everyone will react. They’re staring. Why are they staring? Is there something wrong with me? No. There’s not, but there will be something wrong any moment now. My muscles clench and my jaw feels like there’s a rubber-band tied too tight. Why don’t it release? Oh fuck. My hands are cold and my feet feel cold, here it comes.

Plan an escape–if there is one. Exit through that door to my left and quickly call 911 before I die or some other wrongness happens to me. I really can’t take this much longer. Oh fuck, pain running down my left arm, it’s my heart, but I’m not breathing quickly or having trouble. Maybe it’s not. Maybe it’s a stroke. Man, I really want to go. If I go then everything will be alright. I don’t have to face these people or embarrass myself. Yeah, that’s a good idea. You can just leave, but wait, no, you didn’t drive yourself. Shit. What do I do now? Okay, stop it John, you’re starting to freak out over minor aches and pains. It’ll be okay. Just breathe. I think I can do this. Oh hell, pain in my abdomen. Is that my appendix? Well, I’m not throwing up with a fever yet.

Okay. You’re almost through this and haven’t freaked out visibly yet. You can do this. Only a few more minutes. Now I’m nauseous. What the hell, body? This is a joke, right? Now my left foot is numb. Oh yeah, you’ve been standing too long. Well this is a a pleasant way to start something. Hopefully I can get through this. Why am I freaking out? Am I sweating now? Goddamnit. What else am I going to have thrown at me. Haha…oh, the pain in the left arm is back–now it’s in my right arm as well. Okay. I’m fine there.

Nausea is starting to go away as well and the sweat is starting to dry. Was I clenching my ass as well? Jesus, this is embarrassing. My heart rate is slowing down as well. My chest is no longer pounding its drum telling me to get the fuck out. Escape plan? What escape plan? It’s all over. I think. This wasn’t so bad and I’m actually starting to enjoy myself a little bit. This is going to be fine. My chest isn’t feeling tight either and I can breathe easily again. There was nothing to this and I’ll probably do it again until I get used to it.

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