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Deconstructing Thoughts Or How I Stopped Caring And Learned To Love The Pain

February 27, 2013

I’ve found I’ve enjoyed web logging and apparently some of you really liked my web logging or enough to care to like posts I’ve made and follow me and I must admit that freeing these thoughts has put me in a marginally better mood. But as fun as it is there is real genuine pain behind some of these entries. Especially as of late as I’ve become ‘the no shame no how’ man. Or I should rephrase that into, ‘Slight shame but only slightly shameful,” man (those without shame tend to be psychotic. So it’s not my intent to have no shame. Just face it down and hopefully conquer it, but then when thinking of posts it becomes a balancing act between how painful I want to get and how much I care to write about particular topics.

Like so: when I was in the 4rd grade I was at the playground with a kid that I thought was my friend at one point and then he threw sand in my eyes. Do I really want go to into the pain and humiliation of that act? Maybe it’s compelling and maybe it isn’t. I remember him apologizing at one point because we were friends up until one of my brother’s friends actually stepped on his foot to cause pain. At the time I felt guilty, but in retrospect it actually served him right for the earlier heinous act. So do I write about that? It’s not exactly my proudest moment. Or do I treat this as a quasi-confessional booth where I admit all of my fuck-ups and failures? Hard to say.

I’d like a few light-hearted entries because too serious is too boring, but I decided this blagh would be mostly serious in nature and I don’t think I’m out of the dark just yet. It just feels like a lot of things are weightier than others and I need to talk about them as they run through my head quite often. I also start talking to myself when I remember particularly embarrassing moments from the past and curse myself silently. Like my friend, Alexis, where I accidentally grabbed her with the business end of a spike-laden ring. That’s not cool. She probably doesn’t even remember it, but I do. I have no idea why, but I do.

The impetus for this entry, really, was my ‘blankity’ entry. Mainly because I haven’t used my talents since 2004 and I really want to, but it’s been really difficult for me and it’s not like I don’t have ideas rummaging around in my head–I just can’t get them out. Then there’s the whole, “You’ve lost your talents,” I keep thinking over and over. And if I was ever really all that talented or if I was just sailing on the draft that others left in their wake. That’s a tough thing to think and a tough thing to go through if you’ve never been through it. If you have and it’s not been as screwy as mine then congrats, but for me whenever I think of that stuff I end up just hating myself and the old recriminations come back. This all happens quite often and quite suddenly that there’s no way to ‘guard’ against it other than to try and fight it–which is what I’ve been doing since 2004. So it’s not been so much a stride as an uphill battle against myself and my insecurities.

Admitting this right now is even tough, but there you are. So, those who bother to follow and like my posts: what do you think? Am I crazy? Too honest? Too stupid? What? And no negative comments. I already have enough of those in my head that I don’t need new ones.

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