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The Source Of Shame

March 1, 2013

I’ve been posting here regularly for about a week and a half and I talk about overcoming shame and fighting it with vigor, but I haven’t spoken about the source of my shame. Yeah, it’s like this thing that stares me in the face on a daily basis and I constantly feel bad about it. And yet I think it’s where most of my shame comes from: my weight. Now I won’t share the exact weight because then I’d probably just crash, but it’s enough that I do feel ashamed of it even though I have no right to be. It’s not so heavy that you could put me on a reality tv show and it’s enough to worry about my future and my health. Ta-da!

For me it just sort of happened because I have old photos of myself where I looked real thin up until about the 2nd grade and then it kinda slowly crept, slowly crept and then in high school I lost a lot of weight and then it slowly crept back again only more. I know all the tricks and all the advice and yet I do not do them. I feel like I’m a slave to this thing and I really want to gain a handle on it, but there’s that side of me that says, “It’s okay. We’ll start tomorrow. You can eat _____ as a last meal and then start the next day.” And then the next day comes and that doesn’t happen and…rinse, repeat.

The funny thing is I think the way in which I mentally abuse myself is the cause of the weight gain and that I’m caught in this cycle of shame, guilt, depression, hope, shame, guilt, depression, hope which means nothing gets done and nothing seems to be getting done which leaves me at a loss as to how to solve this. Now, I was going to the gym fairly regularly but when my father broke his leg I lost my steady partner for exercising and now I’m in the shit again. Which means it’s doubly hard to overcome my anxiety about my weight which means I barely leave the house, which means I…never do anything constructive for myself. I’m sensing a pattern (dun dun dun!).

So, this entry will be the start of a new sense of accountability–if for no one other than myself. I’m going to write and blagh about my weight loss and when I start feeling comfortable enough with it that I can actually start to post weight tallies and pics and such I will. But I’m going to stick with it to the best of my ability and hopefully the fire started here today will actually keep me motivated to keep going. If not this will be a total waste of an honest post and I hate wasting things and opportunities. Anyway, enjoy the show. I’ll share my thoughts, embarrassments, and all things in-between.

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