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The Blah Thing

March 11, 2013

You know that moment where everything seems to be saying ‘blah’ to you? Well, I’ve been having that the last couple of days and it’s related to my near panic attacks two days in a row. So needless to say I haven’t felt like doing much and I haven’t even been out of the house since Saturday as a result. It just kind of kills whatever momentum I pick up. It is the calm breeze that takes the wind out of my sails (sailing cliché, yes!). I was going to write up this long post questioning everything, but I’m not.

And I don’t think it’d be very interesting as it would be mostly questions with no answers or questions with painful answers or questions with no easy answers (nothing is ever easy, grasshopah). Instead I’ll write about how doing the right thing sucks. Yeah, being good sucks ass. I’ve been mostly good and try to do the right thing even if I sometimes fail at it, but for the most part I am Neutral Good, to borrow a D&D reference. I am not above breaking rules if it serves a good purpose. But for the most part I feel it holds me back. I’m a little too restrained and passive on things that should matter.

But I also try to do right by everyone that often I make impossible expectations for myself. I’m incessantly trying to make nice with everyone even though that’s impossible. Then when I don’t live up to those expectations I get to really lay into my ass and leave a lot of bruises from the constant self-ass kicking. It’s a vicious cycle, but it leaves me feeling dejected and hopeless and I end up giving up on things I should do and stop doing. It’s pretty pathetic, but I guess everyone does it. Still, that’s only comforting when I know the person. Outside of that it’s just meaningless conjecture.

So yes, I should eat right, but it requires work. And yes, I need to quit taking my heart rate obsessively but then I wouldn’t know when I’m anxious (or maybe it makes me anxious). Lastly yes, I realize I need to get used to driving again, but there’s no immediacy to it. Now there’s realization I didn’t expect: immediacy. Yes, that just popped in there. There really is no immediacy to any of that, but there should be. I’m 30 and not getting younger or healthier, my heart rate will change constantly so it’s pointless to do it, and I love driving, but why not start?

Live realizations here! So maybe that is the problem all along. Besides the shame, the sour armor I wear, and the weight: immediacy. These things are looking but there’s no urgency. There’s no whip being cracked. I can see it now. It’s just laziness. Well, time to fix that.

Weight loss update

I’ve lost two pounds of the three gained so far. I’m almost to my 5 pound goal. I’ve decided to make the weight loss less daunting in that I only have 5lb goals at a time. I think that’s manageable and I won’t get overwhelmed by it.

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2 Comments leave one →
  1. March 12, 2013 4:51 am

    You are wise to set realistic goals in your weight loss. You need to be kind to yourself before you worry about pleasing others.

  2. Marleen permalink
    March 12, 2013 12:09 pm

    Agreed. You can have crazy goals sometimes, after all, you need to dream, but don’t beat yourself up if you don’t immediately succeed, set goals you know you can obtain for that. And about the immediacy thing.. I think a lot of us have that. I find myself having good ideas but almost never acting them out, simply because I don’t feel any urgency after the second I’ve come up with them, and my attitude turns into that of a passive “meh”. But breaking through that every now and then and putting yourself out there or just doing something can be very liberating, and you often don’t have much to lose.

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