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Doing Nothing And Being Nothing

March 24, 2013

I managed to overcome my fears a little this week–I managed to stay home alone without having anxiety or even a panic attack about it. I felt pretty cocksure about myself until Saturday happened and the blahs set in, I don’t know why they set in but I’m still feeling it. Maybe it was the fact that they’ve started adding weights and new exercises to my PT routine and waking up at 5:30am two days during the week. Whatever the case I’ve been dragging ass, but I’m here today as a thought occurred to me that I really the concept of nothingness. It’s a perfect word for those times in your life where you feel too unfocused to do things or too lethargic to do the things you know you should be doing (like updating this damn blagh).

It’s the nothingness that is soul-crushing, thought destroying, talent sucking….thing that envelopes us all at one point. The Neverending Story touched on this concept, but it’s been around a lot longer. Existentialism definitely touches on this concept of the nothingness of being. Or…I think that’s the correct one. I’ve been years away from my philosophy class. Anyway, I’ve been caught up in my own personal nothing the last few days which is why I’ve been updating pretty poorly. I haven’t even been weighing myself for that very reason. Everything just seems so…not worth it. Great story idea? Get to it later. Poster idea in my head? Later.

This kind of goes beyond the laziness and procrastination, though. The nothingness I’ve been facing has been a slow and steady crawl and it started with getting stuck in a grunge kind of design phase for me. I think I worked so hard at making it look right that I forgot everything else that I was interested in. I loved writing–still do, but the nothingness of creation is rather crippling and if you don’t stick to it you tend to lose the plot on it and eventually just give-up altogether. That’s my current fear, actually. That I’m going to have to give up on my dreams if I want to get any gainful employment because of the other demands society places on me, namely a job, a relationship, and a social life. I have neither at this point as I keep (maybe foolishly) telling myself, “I’ll get established in Maryland and then get work.” Hopefully that day comes.

In the meantime I need to refine my skills and learn new techniques if I wish to stay current or at least in the know and I haven’t been. My mind’s been a creative wasteland of nothingness for so long I worry that I’ve lost it or ever had ‘it’. Whatever ‘it’ is. I know I had that ability at one point. And yes, the blah days do come frequently for me and then nothing gets done. Same old story. In fact, I’ve delved into these concepts earlier in my blagh, but they tend to repeat themselves for me like some sort of neverending waltz. Anyway…here’s to finding a solution to this feeling I have. I know I could certainly use it.

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