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Inner Idiot

March 27, 2013

I asked this on facebook (the true place for serious responses) but: “You ever have that person that just brings out your inner idiot no matter how hard you try to keep it in check?” And it’s not even their fault. It’s all on you or in this case, me. You do stupid things and act stupidly and say just the dumbest stuff sometimes that just seems so goddamn awkward you/me begin to wonder why they’re even still talking to you/me. And the feeling never gets in order. That’s kind of been happening to me with a few people and I really hate it. I don’t even know where it comes from because there’s absolutely no reason for it and yet it happens anyway. What is that? I suppose you could blame on multiple things: Maybe I’m just an awkward person, maybe I don’t know how to communicate/act well, or maybe I just suck. No…that’s not true. If I sucked I wouldn’t be updat–shit. I do!

I’m kidding. I think. It’s one of my quirks. And I think it comes from attraction. I remember quite vividly that whenever I was near my crush in middle school that my right arm would stiffen up and I invariably could never talk to her again. Hey, that wasn’t a cool period in my life, was it? Okay. When have I ever been cool? Still, it came from a well of shame and I think at this point in my life I still go back to that well every now and then and succor at its well of bad thoughts, misdirections, and untruths. It’s comforting knowing it’s there, but I don’t like going to it too often anymore. Just when I know someone that I have feelings for. I am not confident in the slightest. When they were handing out self-esteem cards I think I forgot to punch mine.

The equally pathetic bit is that the longer my track record of not doing anything in the slightest to confront that piece of shame the worse I get, apparently. I haven’t really felt anything for anyone in so long that if esteem were a planet mine would look like Tatooine with 6 suns instead of the two and in the middle of summer. Yeah, it’s that bad. And I’d change, but like most of my problems I don’t know which knot do I start with first. Do I take the freshest within the last few years or do I go back further to the 4th grade? It’s really that complex of a problem that probably will never get solved and I’ll end up dying alone, or with a few close friends who are still left. That sounds more depressing than I’m thinking at the moment. But that is a realistic fear of mine. It’s why I have panic attacks. It’s my reason for anything related to anxiety: I don’t want to be alone anymore, but I don’t know what to do about it.

Too angsty? I don’t know anymore. This post isn’t coming from a place of angst for me; it’s coming from a place of reflection and worry. Reflecting on what I’ve done to say that, no, I’ve never had a relationship. And worrying that all of the fears I think in my quiet moments are in fact ironclad facts.

One Comment leave one →
  1. Me. permalink
    March 28, 2013 4:56 am

    We’ve all had people who bring out our inner idiot. I was on a flight of stairs in highschool once and fell down several steps when I encountered mine. Or blasted out the most retarded comments which in a normal situation would have been stopped by my brain to mouth filter. Or just stopped talking, period. It happens to almost all of us. It makes you feel stupid and embarrassed, but you try to laugh about these moments afterwards – and usually succeed. I think we all just have to move through them, so that we gradually learn to remain our normal selves, even in those situations. And even if we don’t: the other person often doesn’t nearly notice it as much as we do. They don’t feel the shame, they may just giggle at the impact they seem to have on us. And if they love us, they’ll love us with our silly behaviour.

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