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The Breakfast Of Champions

April 11, 2013


I was bored so I made a drink of me or what motivates me, at least. And I have been having this recurring thought this past week of, “What if I took a piece away from myself, would I still be me?” It’s an interesting thought experiment and I recommend everyone try it at least once. I came to the conclusion that I don’t have enough big bits to take away that would fundamentally change who I am. If I took away the incident with the patio glass from when I was 7 and it shattered and shot into my back would that really change me? Unlikely. I’d still be as fucking afraid of pain as I am now. The surgery on my right leg to loosen the tendons? Again, important, but not a maker or breaker.

Like most thoughts this bounced off into the, “Why am I the way I am, then?” kind of questioning–you know, the kind that you invariably ask at any low point in your life. And I can’t put my finger on why I am this way, it seems like I’ve always been afraid of things. Afraid of pain, afraid of people, afraid to just show the world who I am. Even now I’m still a little this way, but I’m striving for improvement those areas. I just wonder why I never did more. I had big dreams and hopes and ideas at one point, but they all seemed to turn to ash before my very eyes. So now I’m stuck trying to re-write a mostly tarnished book whilst deciphering what the meaning was in the beginning chapters.

Oh, there was no grand heroic call to shirk from, but there was a call and I feel I missed it. Or maybe it missed me. Who knows? That’s the thing about these thoughts: they’re ultimately pointless if you have no clue who you want to be or where you started. I’ve found I cling so tightly to a past that I invariably make an ass out of myself because of it. Why? That’s just stupid and pointless because the past is done. That chapter’s been written and there’s no do-overs except in the little bits. You can fundamentally change things for the better or worse depending on where you want to go, but there’s no map or guide on how to get there–no road map that says, “Do not go here. It will not end pleasantly,” conversely there’s no way to know what will send you soaring to the top of whatever world you’re trying to get to.

In that vacuum it’s very easy to get lost and at this stage I feel like I’ve gotten a little lost, but I’ve got a heading I want to go and I hope I get there safe and sound. And why the fuck do I use so many goddamn metaphors? I think it’s just easier to get the mental image across with what I’m feeling. Although what I’m feeling is a tad bit embarrassed that it’s taken me this long to realize who I want to be and working toward getting to that point. I think I have a fairly solid foundation–now is time to build on that.

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