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Conversations We Never Had

April 12, 2013

Ever have a conversation in your head with someone that you never had? If you’re like me and in your head all the time then chances are you have. It’s a very odd conversation because you’re playing both parts and predicting how someone will react. The even odder part is that I actually feel better after it’s over. After the conversation in my head is done I feel a lot more relaxed about it and can move on. Why is that? Or am I asking the question because I’m crazy and only crazy types know the answer? I’d call it my problem solving mechanism–a way of getting out the things I want to say without completely fucking things up.

The only time that it really sucks is when I have one about what I want to say to the person about how I feel or something and I’m too cowardly to say it. I know I shouldn’t describe me or my actions as cowardly, but what else are they? Timid only works for so long before it becomes cowardice. Plus timid always reminds me of dipping your toe into a pool you’re not sure it ‘nipples as daggers’ cold or ‘testicles retreating into body’ cold. If you’ve ever experienced either, there is a difference. One involves a lot of pok–you know what? Not going to make that opening.

Suffice to say that this is an annoying habit or mannerism which like most thoughts springs onto another thought and that thought spreads out to other thoughts. Then I remember some repressed childhood memory of being humped by my friend’s dog (true story). Even more troubling is that it seems to happen when I least want it to. Or when I’m not ready for it. Then I think, “Why did that happen?” You know what really brings up these thoughts? Blaghing. I’m at 300-something words now about my inability to reconcile a weird habit with how I act and one that maybe not everyone shares. Yay…reality snaps its towel on my ass again. Anyway…talked enough about this. Time to move on.

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