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April 20, 2013

Make it so.

This time being sick has taught me a valuable lesson: non-engagement sucks. Oh, I already knew that, but since Thursday I’ve learned how much it really sucks because before it was just a thing I’d learned to accept. However, the two canceled appointments at physical therapy and not really going out has really been painful. Also painful is the realization that I give-up too easily and heey…another entry for another time. In this episode we explore the non-engagement practices of a man struggling to find himself in a world full of people struggling to find themselves in a galaxy that’s trying to find itself to the Andromeda galaxy (actually, Andromeda’s going to find us).

See, the despair event horizon was the turning point for me and in a way I never really came back to where I was. Yes, I’m describing these things as distances because…distance is easier to understand. You can’t exactly say, “I was 30 tribbles and now I’m 23 tribbles,” actually you could, but would anyone but you understand it? So distance metaphors and analogies it is. Anyway, the distance thing isn’t really the big thing. The not coming back was. Whoever took over my skin did a damn well fine job fucking everything up (no split infinitives, beat that grammar Nazi (okay, you probably could)).

Since February I’ve been working on engaging myself in my life–if that makes sense. The way I describe it is that I’m here, but I’m not really here. I’m not doing things to better myself and I’m not doing things that harm myself. I’m just…static. Or a walking corpse if you wish to be grim. The intent of the physical therapy and the therapy is to hopefully learn and to become more engaged and start fixing myself. I think I’ve acquitted myself well until my brother passed along his cold to me which made me not feel like doing anything. Tonight, though, I’ve felt there is an ebbing to the cold and hopefully I’ll be more active again. Or it could be the caffeine from the coffee.

Anyway…this little bit of time reminded me of what I was trying to escape from and what I never again want to return to. Sure, I bitch and moan about physical therapy being tough and me being worn down. That’s just because for a while my brain was shocked into action and it desperately wanted the lazy non-engagement still. For about the last two weeks I’ve really been enjoying things. I’m driving more, I’m pushing myself to my upper limit (or whatever upper limit I placed on myself years ago), and my right arm is actually being used for something other than a running joke of bitterness. It feels great and I felt great. So I really don’t wish to experience this again.

For me being inside gives me this mental image of smashing my head against a brick wall repeatedly. I had that problem last night and really wished I had someone to talk to and since I mainly communicate through text these days because of another issue I’ve not given up on, no one was fecking replying. And if they did the gist was of, “Go away,” or, “Busy,” which is partly why I avoid calling when possible. So that felt good. But yeah…no more non-engagement.

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