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Great Balls Of Awfulness

April 20, 2013

My therapist has described problems as essentially being tied together so much so it’s really hard to tell where one ends and the others begin. I like this analogy, but every time he mentions it I get a mental image in my head of this fleshy mass with adjective that could describe me tattooed on every portion of it. I think why it happens is because he tends to lace his fingers every time he mentions it. I get the interlaced idea, though, and it certainly fits with how he intends it to, but since my mind is always creating images I tend to ‘see’ things as they’re said.

I also tend to have a running narrative going in my day to day activities; it’s less trying to predict how people will react and more so I’m not caught in that uncomfortable unbalanced situation. Sometimes the narrative is stronger or weaker depending on the activity. You wouldn’t necessarily need it when just looking around online or playing a video game, but social interaction is when it’s stronger (naturally). When things go ‘off-script’ is when I tend to go silent and contemplate my next action.

So I have a narrative and an overly active imagination while going about my day and I used to think that it was crazy, but it just strikes me as the norm as it’s been happening so long. I tend not to get bogged down in worrying about what others do. Where it causes problems for me is (you guessed..maybe) I’m always in my head. Now, normally, I think this is okay. In my case I think some really fucked up stuff which causes panic and which inevitably leads to a sort of paralysis where I don’t do anything.

I’ve thought about this a lot and why I do this to myself, but I have no answer other than crazy. Or a weird of way to cope in uncomfortable situations. My narrative tends to suck though and it convinces me that my imaginary horrors are real. This is also why I’ve given up on watching horror movies because I figure nothing put on screen can possibly be as scary as what I dream up in my head for myself.

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