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In The Mirror I See, In The Mirror Is Me

April 24, 2013

I was really affected today by a poem by Ben ‘Yahtzee’ Croshaw, of all people (link) and it was because in this stupid little poem I saw myself. Didn’t help that the character’s name was ‘John’ and I (surprise!) am always on now. It also keeps me from being lonely. Or at least somewhat. If you wish to take loneliness and measure it the whole online, texting, and facebook bits really only satiate the desire for connection by only one piece. In drug terms it’d be a small hit. There. I didn’t want to use that term, but there you go.

And social interaction is sort of like drug using behavior. You have serotonin and dopamine levels that must be maintained and to keep them in balance we keep each others company. So really, your brain does need a certain amount of drugging before you decide to be like Peter Pan and try flying off of a building. Or…whatever method you wish to use. That’s besides the point. This is about being always online and realize it’s killing my relationships with people.

Little by little things are getting further apart from where they were and sure, my friends know where I’m coming from because I’ve told them. They know that I have neurotic tendencies and so far they’re okay with it. Still, there’s that niggling feeling that eventually the understanding will stop and they’ll just plain forget about me–like John in the poem. That day fills me with dread and I always picture that it’s right around the bend. Any day now it’s going to happen. Which lights a fire under my ass, but still…when you’ve built up years of conditioned responses it’s really difficult to get rid of them in a day.

Yes, they’re going away now. But it took a year for that to happen, again (it’s sorta happened before). So time is of the essence, but it’s also something that I have a lot of, but not really. Yes…too many ‘buts’ (*snerk*). In the end I think I need a week of unplugging and just being social. That’s an easy conclusion to come to and in August when I move back to Maryland I definitely will. In the meantime I’m stuck texting a lot of friends who don’t always reply or talk, chatting online, and just trying to stay a few feet ahead of my encroaching loneliness. Which I’m kind of feeling right now.

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