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Breaks That Break On Break

April 26, 2013

I need a break. Between PT and the gym and therapy this week has thoroughly exhausted me, but it hasn’t broken me like it would have in the past. Instead I just need a weekend off and then back to it. Yes, this is going to seem stupid considering this is quite possibly the easiest way to live. And I won’t attempt to deny that it isn’t. Even with anxiety. It is a struggle, though, to maintain the enthusiasm for what I’m doing and trying to achieve. There’s the weight loss, the maintaining a pain free existence, and engaging in my life again.

It’s all sort of been stressful and some of it has been stressful in great ways while others (the driving alone mostly) has been stressful in a bad way. Bad, in this instance, meaning almost panic-inducing. I just keep in mind that I’m working toward a goal: being a functional human being again. I don’t know if anyone who hasn’t been through this can sympathize or even understand the amount of mental/physical draining involved, but it’s been rough. Granted it is getting easier by leaps and bounds.

There are still issues I’m struggling with and attempting to overcome and next week will be a strong test of how far I can go with this as I’m going to be going it alone several times next week. So I hope this works out. I think I just need to realize that until it becomes a routine for me that it’s going to constantly test my willingness to do it and my resolve. My therapist said that it’s easier to avoid things that may make me anxious if I have an option to avoid it and what I need to do is become my anxiety’s friend.

‘Friend’ in this way meaning that I can accept that side of myself and still push forward. I think I can do it–I hope I can do it as I need to do it. I want my life back and I’m tired of wallowing in my own mental shit. I’ve done too much of that already.

Weight loss update: I know I haven’t been posting about this and I have nothing new to report except that I’m not losing or gaining. I’m kind of just maintaining things. So I’m switching up my habits and thinking about the weight loss and my goals. As with everything else: I’m doing my best–or at least attempting to. I know I’ll slide a bit. I just hope I don’t slide so far that I’m in oblivion again.

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