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Dark Into Light

April 30, 2013

I think the euphoric feeling from going to the gym tonight is wearing off and leaving me more than a little morose, but I’ll make this entry anyway. I know it’s a trite analogy to compare feelings of despair and angst to darkness and happy emotions to light–specifically because you can be brooding while happy and your happiness can hide the inner despair. So nothing is black or white with me, but I will use it as a basis for my negative emotions because it works.

Tonight I’m reflecting on how much closer to the light I’m getting…in a non-religious or death kind of way. What I mean is that I’m feeling a lot more self-worth than I did in February when all of this started. I still feel a bit weighed down by my own emotions and I’m working on them–that’s the whole reason for my banner and the tagline. It’s this struggle over feeding this darkness that threatens to swallow up every thing that was ever good in my life.

My…’darkness’ has always been less about malice than how I feel about myself and the resentment of people who can handle and do things better than me. It’s easy to say it’s the inner-ugliness that I’ve always felt but could always hide. It’s the feeling of not being good for anything. I will say that it allows me to be more creative, but also very unfulfilled as a person. The culmination of all of this negativity and cynicism was the anxiety and panic.

Recently it feels like there’s been a wind at my back and pushing me forward in to better things and regaining my humanity because for a long time I felt nothing for anyone or anything. Now the darker thoughts are becoming more contrasting feelings as opposed to the dominant emotional state. The only real sticking point these days has been my uncanny ability to chastise myself or certain thoughts and feelings.

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