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We Have Depression! Heroin addiction! Fun For The Whole Family

May 4, 2013

Okay…no heroin addiction, but it does come into play in this episode of: What The Fuck Is Wrong With Me?

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I said this to my friend tonight and while the sentiment is still there, I do feel kind of guilty for feeling this way. Chiefly because I feel this way about some people I call my friends. This is not to say I’m going to start being depressed again or that I think less of them; it’s just I surveyed my field of friends tonight and I found that a good chunk are depressed. And yeah, depression isn’t like heroin addiction–I get that, you don’t choose to be depressed, but I do think there’s a certain amount of despair that a person can take after having been depressed that just drags them back into the muck.

And if you think I’m being hyperbolic with that feeling, there actually is Folie á Deux where two people can share a mental condition without one of them ever having any history of mental illness. This isn’t actually a fear of mine, but I do think the people we surround ourselves with have an impact on our mental health. Specifically with mirroring neurons that…wait for it…allow you to mimic another person’s movements. So there is a basis–rational or not–for me feeling this way.

I love all of my friends and I value that I can call them friends, but some nights…it’s just…too much. Too much gloom. Too much ‘meh’, ‘bleh’, and ‘blah’. It’s especially bad when I try to talk them through it and I’m just met by a wall of despair that couldn’t be penetrated by a nuclear missile. This is also not me saying, ‘I give up!’ As I give up on no one–except myself, but that’s my choice. And, despite the depression, I wouldn’t stop being their friends. Though, it is a tricky line I’m walking in my ambivalence toward these feelings I’m having.

At this point in my life I’m trying to leave that stuff behind and barring a little incident yesterday I’ve been succeeding and it just feels like being in a different frame of mind is really clashing more than it’s helping. I want to be positive and I want to know some people who don’t see life as complete obstacle that’s crushing them. And yet I feel like the asshole for feeling this way.

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