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I Just Wanna Dream

May 6, 2013

I cried a bit today during physical therapy; it wasn’t a cry out of pity or sadness (well, maybe some sadness) but it was mostly out of frustration. I’m given this rubbery net with which to put clotheslines on and with each finger on my right hand I’m supposed to grip and pull, but my pinky (fucking thing) just wouldn’t cooperate and my right ring finger barely wanted to work as well. I spent a good ten minutes trying to close the grip with my thumb and pinky and just couldn’t do it.

No matter what technique I used it just wouldn’t happen and at about the twentieth time trying it I just broke down a little. I cried and I tried not to show it and it was the first time I thought, ‘Wow…this is really going to be tiring.’ my confidence just snapped. I know last week there was a doubt, but today sort of was a culmination of that–it was a confirmation of my feelings and I hated it. I hated feeling so pathetic that I couldn’t get my fingers to clasp together. I hated that I had to do these goddamn exercises. I hated just being in that building.

Even just thinking about my feelings then is leaving me a little misty-eyed. I just want this to succeed and right now I’m not feeling like it will and, yeah, repeat feelings tonight. I keep looking at my hand and trying to notice a difference–any–difference. I do see some change and that’s giving me hope. My substitute therapist told me not to give-up and that kind of made my feelings of being pathetic subside a little. I think she kind of sensed my frustration building because she didn’t know about the crying and still said that.

I guess I should feel some pride at choosing to go through this despite the chance that my hand may never be completely where it should be without surgery, and even that would be a gamble. Tonight there’s very little pride, though, and just trying to keep the eye on my prize…or my pride and hope that it doesn’t run off because of my uncertainty.

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