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I Feel Like I Should Be Freaking Out

May 14, 2013

Just now I had a horrible thought: I really feel like I want to freak the hell out. It’s not bubbling to the surface yet, but it feels like it’s getting there. Mostly as I feel I need more in my life than just physical therapy and whatever the hell it is I do any other time. I’m not having fun and I want to have fun and it’s…just not happening. This feeling’s even starting to creep into the enjoyment I should be having with just gaming and talking to people. It just seems so…banal a lot of times.

I’m sitting here listening to my music and closing my eyes in some vain hope of shutting these thoughts out, but no…they’re still there. And it’s not making me sad so much as it makes me want o scream and just run away from things. I’ve also been a little short on occasion and I’ve been wondering why, but I think it’s because if I hear one more complaint I’ll go off on someone. But that’s not me. No. I’ll swallow that feeling and continue listening because I’m a masochist.

Don’t get me wrong: I am engaging in my life more now, but then that desire to just escape is there. Or the desire for more..whatever that ‘more’ feeling is about. And today with the apartment approval maybe not being approved because of a little glitch really just put the cherry on top of this ‘fuck you’ sundae today. Funny what a day makes. I feel like I’m breaking again and I seriously do not know what it’ll take to fix it this time.

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