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I Can Tie My Shoes

June 8, 2013

Yep..that was the bit breakthrough this week: I can actually tie my shoes now where I couldn’t before. I also still feel immense embarrassment over that fact even though the whole…you know…physical limitations bit. In other news: I cried this morning as well. I’m…frustrated. I’m frustrated with feeling trapped because of my own mind. I’m sick of feeling this way and the more time goes on the less I feel like I’m worth much.

So, suffice to say today hasn’t been very good to me except in a couple of areas. The real bitterness in all of this is that it’s all self-inflicted and I don’t know what to do to break this cycle. Well, I have an idea thanks to a friend, but that’s just a starting point. If your mind is like a ship and it’s in choppy waters and there’s a storm that’s been going on for years–it’s really hard to change course over night. Still, it’s hard to complain when given information on how to get through this.

When I was depressed I had overwhelming thoughts of worthlessness, but with this it feels vastly different. It’s more self-aware and more of a burden than even the depression was. Yeah, depression sucks and crying every day sucks, but you’re supposed to feel like shit when you’re depressed–that’s all it’s there for: to feel like shit. This feels like a very illogical and irrational thing and I really want to punch myself or something, but I can’t because I hate pain and it wouldn’t solve anything.

I’m frustrated by it and that frustration seems to spill out with other people and I act like an asshole and I then have a horrified, ‘What have I done?’ Type experience and then the feeling goes. It’s horrible. I feel horrible and I really have trouble seeing things getting better which explains the depression and tears this morning. It sucks. I suck. And I can’t solve this…thing when I desperately want to. I also realize this sounds like the pst of a whiny teenager, so sue me.

I also worry that I’m fighting against the tide of medication, because hey…unsolvable problem: pop a pill. The thing is I know that given an opportunity to recover and filling my life with…things, would eventually get me to recover. I’m just having trouble finding those things worth doing and I’m sure as fuck not going to find it in PA. I don’t think. Anyway…there’s my wangst for the night.

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