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The Value Or Lack Thereof Of Giving Up/Little Victories

June 20, 2013

“Quit before you’re fired.”

In the months since I really started trying with this blagh I’ve been thinking about why I give up so much and why I used to wear it with pride. “YES!” I’d proclaim, I gave up. I didn’t ‘give it my all’ or ‘go for the touchdown.’ I was never really thinking about the why just that I did and giving up made me happy. Or…I thought it made me happy; it really just boxed me in and kept me from experiencing life. I guess it’s only natural if you fear disappointment or rejection. But I really want to kick myself for all of it.

It’s not living. Or, it sort of is living, but just living for death. Maybe that’s grim, but living in such a way where ‘giving up’ is easily the ‘best’ option there is, then you’re already dead. The synapses are firing, but there’s nothing there. And I feel it. I feel it every day I wake up. I feel like I robbed myself of things that I considered important. I have to motivate myself to fight this feeling that giving up on things is a worthwhile endeavor, but I keep going. I keep fighting.

I keep going because I truly do want to win the ‘big game’ or ‘score one for the home team’ (obviously these things are put in sports metaphors). I just want to feel victory, but I am having little victories.I’m working on my hand and getting rid of my anxieties, etc. I’m doing these things and every day I appreciate what I’m giving myself in experiences in and in learning more about myself. That’s been the key for me: learning what I’m made of and I’ve come to the conclusion I’m a lot tougher than I’ve ever given myself credit for being.

So, I don’t find myself relating to the above quote and I don’t feel like giving up as I’m having too much fun finding out things I can do that make me a better person and realize what’s worth living for. I guess that’s my big takeaway from all of this–to learn to value, to be vulnerable, to respect what I have, and strive for a better future. For the longest time I felt like I couldn’t see a future for myself. I just drew a blank every time I tried to picture it. Now I’m just striving to make the future in my head happen and hope that some good comes out of this and that I become the person that I want to be and to leave the petty shit behind in the dustheap of my past.

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