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Razor Burn And No Coffee

July 14, 2013

I decided to forego the late night coffee tonight after the nap and coffee (both late) last night had me tossing and turning more than a rotisserie chicken. But hey! At least I’m well done! I’m listening to Two Steps From Hell’s album SkyWorld and the music is fantastic. I just love how epic it is and it’s actually a great muse for me. Now if only I’d write something down–baby steps.

I’ll be honest: a lot has been going through my head lately that I haven’t written down (bring on the ‘duh’s’) but I haven’t written it down because a lot of it is about howI feel about someone and I really don’t need to deal with that with an already stressful move coming up. It sucks, you know? I value vulnerability and I’m striving to be more vulnerable, but I can’t even express it for fear of rejection, humiliation, or [insert adjective here]. And I want to. I want to say it every day, but there’s still that side that says, ‘Maybe we shouldn’t.’ I’ve listened to this voice for so long that if it were possible to strangle it, I honestly would.

I’ve went over this before, but this inability of mine to face down that particular fear haunts me every day. It’s the venom in the words I say to myself, the memories of past failure…it is the code for everything. I get twisted into knots emotionally and feel a brief flicker of hope before that hope turns out to be nothing but sand which quickly slips away. This is fairly depressing. Want some good news?

Okay, well, on my birthday I managed to travel to and from a place 45 minutes away with no panic. I also managed to stay at home with everyone an hour away from me on friday. Yay! Okay. I know 11 year olds can do this, but to me it signifies my anxiety nearing its end–or at least that sort of anxiety. I’m actually quite happy with the progress I’ve made with it and I hope to keep going; it’s all about momentum and I think I’m finally achieving some.

My right hand is…’ehh…to me it’s regressing, but I’m hitting most of my benchmarks. This weekend has been dedicated to keeping it loose, but I’m sort of dreading tomorrow if they examine it. It’s not even if they personally don’t see me losing pounds in my grip strength and degrees in my wrist movement. To me it’s a personal failure and one that shows I’m not doing as much as I could be.

Their assurances that, ‘You’ve been dealing with this for 30 years,’ helps soothe that feeling a bit, but in the back of my mind I just keep repeating, ‘Failure,’ and, ‘You knew this would happen, you’re going to need surgery. And even then it won’t be right.’ Shit like that, but I’m going to slog on in the hopes that I eventually do bounce back. I hope.

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