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Wholehearted Living For The Halfhearted

July 22, 2013

I’ve been thinking about the wholehearted living that Brené Brown talks about in her book Daring Greatly and I aspire to be that person who lives wholeheartedly and is vulnerable and open with people. However, I’m not that way right now. I can’t even admit to someone how I feel about them and I know that  certain things still tear through me like a fine razor cuts through paper. I can be jealous. I can be petty and I can be spiteful. I realize there’s still these sides to me that I’m not really proud of and I’m doing my damnedest to overcome them.

I’m also a lot better than I used to be and I’ve grown a lot as a person quite recently as well and I am a lot more vulnerable and open than I used to be. Hell, this whole blagh was restarted because I want to be that kind of person that doesn’t let little stuff get to them and as a way to give voice to all of the shit that’s running through my head. Admittedly I’ve slacked off, but the move will hopefully help that as my mind’s been a little scattered of late.

She talks about how people who are guarded and on the defense value vulnerability in others, but hate it in themselves and I can definitely see a lot of points in my life where I’ve just shut people out because it all was too much for me to cope with. I think that’s where a lot of my anxiety problems stem from: the want–or desire–to be open with someone but at the same time just wanting to shut the world out. It really does create two minds on a subject and it’s slowly dawning on me that to avoid my anxiety I need to have my mind acting as one whole piece, because there’s too much doubt and fear that can creep in that creates inaction. So to avoid that I just need to make up my mind to do something and then do it.

Yeah, that all sounds really elementary and obvious, but how many people actually ever come up with the most obvious conclusions? I’d say not many. I’ve spent so many years in this prison of my own making that I began to see the prison as a real thing. So now I’m not seeing as such and I’m seeing that when I do act as a whole person I can change my behaviors quite easily. It just means not accepting that my fears are grounded in any sort of reality–at least with regards to who I am at present.

I was driving with my dad in the car last week and I said, “You know, I am pretty confident when someone else is in the car. I just wish I had more confidence alone. Anxiety doesn’t really build confidence.” And then I thought about it and said that anxiety can build confidence. I already feel confident again. The way that anxiety builds confidence is in the overcoming of it. I mean, you’re scared to shit at the time, but if you manage to break through it you really can feel like the world can be overcome. That’s been my experience since February. I have overcome a lot of the anxiety and I am working toward the wholehearted living. So I’m halfhearted right now. Doesn’t mean I won’t eventually get to this point where I can feel like nothing can hurt me. I hope I can make it.

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