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Frostbitten Ankles In The Summer

September 10, 2013

I recently split with a friend I’ve known for years when he trivialized the fact that I have had panic attacks which increasingly destroyed my social life because they really don’t lend themselves to giving you the most rewarding social life. Nor does having a nervous breakdown the year you’re supposed to graduate from college. So all of these things have really crippled me until within the last couple years and some times it’s been better than others. Recently I’ve been on the upswing and then my car got screwed up.

Also Baltimore city threatened to tow my car as they considered it abandoned. He, of course, asked if it had been fixed yet. And right now I’ve lacked the money to get it fixed completely then he did what I hate people do: he projected his own feelings on why my gofundme campaign hasn’t been a rousing success–disregarding the fact asking for the internet for damn near anything is impossible unless you’ve got a real sob story and since no one in my immediate vicinity is dying of cancer, it was a real longshot. No, oh ho, in his wisdom he insinuated it’s because, in his words, I’ve been a ‘ghost’ the last few years.

He’s entitled to his opinion, but again: I do not appreciate people trivializing things like mental illness–and it is an illness. I’ve went over the panic attacks before so I won’t bore anyone, but here’s how it goes for me: Goes out > has panic attack > shakes confidence > anxiety about going out > weeks of not going out > slow recovery to wanting to go back out. I don’t know if anyone can really comprehend the nastiness in which panic attacks cause anxiety and sort of cripple your confidence and desire to do anything but stay inside lest another panic attack happens, but for me it just breaks me when one gets bad enough.

Recently I haven’t had much problem with them, but I’ve also been slow to embrace my freedom again because I’m still…not quite there–and I wanted to be on my way until my car was screwed, but that ain’t freaking happening right now. This friend only cared about their situation and where everyone was in relation to it; it’s been that way for years.

If he couldn’t get anything out of you you were on his craplist. And if you had the temerity to go against their desires then you’re on his craplist. When I was in my late teens and most of my 20’s this was amusing. He’d regale his friends with stories of his greatness and ability to manipulate anyone. ‘Luring to the dark side’ as he called it. And I was okay with it because it was funny and he really was charismatic, but also a turd.

Not sure if that’s changed, but I really resented the badgering and pestering–especially when I was at my lowest point and blew off pretty much all of my friends and now I’m left with a core of friends who were understanding about those few years. They asked how I was doing and didn’t badger me and were very understanding and I’m forever grateful, but nope. Not this guy. I’ll agree I didn’t handle things well and maybe I didn’t explain it well enough. Dunno. This is a moot point as I’m really happy without this friend.

Sooo…that’s where I am right now.

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